Let's Talk About: Healthy Kink

I’m going to share with you one of my core beliefs about sex. Something that informs everything I believe about human sexuality. It is one of the basic truths I hold dear and it is a huge part of everything I write and teach:

Whatever happens between consenting adults who are enjoying themselves is no one else’s business.

If you know someone who is into something you think is weird or disgusting or creepy or wrong, as long as everyone involved is of age, consenting, and enjoying themselves it is none of your damn business and you do not have the right to try to make them stop or feel bad about what they do. By the same token no one has the right to shame you for your consensual, healthy sexual activity. What do I mean by healthy? We’ll get into that. Bare in mind that I did say consenting here. Cheating on a partner who has not agreed to allow outside sexual contact is a violation of consent.

With that said, this week we’re going to talk about Kink, and what a healthy kinky relationship looks like. With the recent release of the second “50 Shades of Grey” movie as well as the popularity of the book series there has been a real boom of interest in BDSM and other kinks and fetishes among people who are not a part of the fetish community. One of the biggest problems about these books is that they don’t portray a fetish or BDSM relationship. They portray a horrifically abusive relationship in which one of the parties gets tied up. Big difference.

At their core, healthy kinky or fetish relationships look just like healthy vanilla (non-kinky) relationships. You need to have a mutual respect for each other as human beings, good communication about everyone’s expectations, wants, and needs, and an understanding of each other’s boundaries. What makes BDSM, kink, and fetish relationships different from vanilla ones is the level of communication, respect, and understanding you need to maintain a healthy relationship, because of the added risks of some of the forms of play used. Think of it as all the hard work needed to maintain a healthy relationship plus the added layer of maintaining a healthy kink relationship. It can be a lot of work but for many people it’s well worth it.

There are an infinite number of kinks and fetishes out there for people to explore. Fetish is often identified as becoming sexually aroused by something not typically sexual. Kink refers to erotic enjoyment through pain or power play and can often subvert traditional power relationships for pleasure. BDSM is one of the largest forms of kink, which has many different technical definitions but the one I found to be the most widely inclusive is: Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. This is what the 50 shades movies and books claim to portray, but do not. At all. Remember, 50 shades is a terribly abusive relationship and not a kink relationship.

I refer to the Kink and Fetish communities as if they’re one large community, when in fact there are a whole world of smaller communities contained within, separated by geography or interest. However there are some similarities among them. One major similarity that I’ve found across the whole spectrum of fetish and kink is a deep and expansive understanding of the importance of consent. Consent is absolutely essential to any physical or erotic encounter. In January I published an article on consent and communication, I’ll link to it at the end of this article. In short summary there is no such thing as non consensual sex. There is consensual sex, and then there is rape. Consent must be informed, sober, on going, and freely given. Consent that does not meet all those criteria is not consent. Remember that a partner can agree to sex once and is under no obligation to agree to it again. Also some one can agree to one activity but not to another.

A commonly heard phrase in fetish and kink communities is “Safe. Sane. Consensual. Or walk away”.

Safety can take on a new level of importance and difficulty when it comes to kink. You don’t just have to contend with the usual world of STIs and unwanted pregnancies, but any added concerns associated with the activities involved. Research is key, and learning from someone who is an expert is often a must. If you’re interested in exploring some type of kink that involves pain, or the risk of injury, please be absolutely sure of your safety precautions. And if you have a partner who doesn’t want to discuss safety, or doesn’t “believe” in it, or who doesn’t know what they’re talking about… walk away. Find someone else to play with, because no amount of play is worth risking your health or injury.

When it comes to sanity in kink and fetish relationships, it can mean any number of different things. In the same way that your physical health and well being are important, so is your mental health. People can manipulate and hurt other people in any sort of relationship, it is an unfortunate truth that some people will use BDSM or kink relationships as an excuse to manipulate, control, and abuse their partners. (As portrayed in the 50 shades movies and books). In a healthy BDSM relationship both parties have control, no one is made to feel used or hurt outside of pre-agreed limits. Often it is said that the submissive party actually has more control over the goings on than the dominant party, because it is the dominant party’s job to care for the submissive one. Any relationship, be it kinky or vanilla, sexual or platonic, is built on reciprocity. If you’re in a situation where your mental health and well being are not being respected and you feel is detrimental to your sanity, then walk away. No relationship is worth your mental health.

There are some fetishes and kinks that like to play with the idea of consent. Pretending to withhold consent, or be in relationships in which no consent can freely be given (student/teacher fantasies for example). However, in these circumstances it is of the utmost importance to make sure that consent and negotiation are done up front. What are we doing for our scene tonight? How far are you willing to go with it? What are your boundaries? Instituting a safe word so that if things end up somewhere they don’t feel comfortable they can put the brakes on it and move things back into a more pleasurable experience.

Sex is supposed to be fun. Kink, BDSM and fetish play are all supposed to be fun. If you’re not having fun, it’s time to change something or walk away. Remember, no amount of play is worth your physical or mental health. Safe, sane, consensual or walk away.

Everyone has sexual fantasies. Lots of people have kinks and fetishes. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. For some people their sexual fantasies involve having sex on a secluded beach on a tropical island with Chris Hemsworth or Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Maybe both. Other people might fantasize about being strung up by their toenails in a medieval dungeon. Everyone is into different stuff, and there’s no reason to feel shame about what turns you on, as long as everyone involved is of age and consenting. Communicating your sexual fantasies with your partner may seem difficult or scary, but you might be surprised. Who knows, they might be into the same things.

If you want to learn more about good kink, I’ve included a list of resources. I’d like to encourage everyone to communicate their desires with their partners, be honest about what you enjoy or don’t enjoy, and to go forth and have great sex, whatever that means for you.

With Love,

Erin

My article on Consent and Communication: https://www.femislay.com/blog/2017/1/15/lets-talk-about-sex-consent

Further resources for more information on Kink and Fetish:

Books:

"SM 101" by Jay Wiseman

"Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities" by Lee Harrington & Mollena Williams

Podcasts:

Erotic Awakenings http://www.eroticawakening.com/podcast/

Ropecast

http://www.ropecast.com/

Websites:

Passion and Soul

http://passionandsoul.com/