Let's Talk About: Phases

I’ve noticed that while I’m discussing sexuality with people, especially parents of teens, the question of phases often comes up. It’s usually presented as a bad thing, which surprises me. As if people changing and experimenting, especially teens, was inherently dishonest or wrong.

It’s not. People, especially young people, are constantly are always changing. However, the term “phase” is usually used to undermine the validity of a new expression. As if because some part of a person’s identity changes or ends that means it wasn’t honest or true or “real”.

Identity is a difficult and tricky subject. It refers to the many layers of who a person IS. The things that are definitely true about them. It reflects their values, actions, expressions, and beliefs. Personal identity, group affiliation, and public identity are all related. Identity is deeply held and deeply important to individuals. It’s also critically important to group dynamics. Being able to identify members of your in-group is a very human thing. People build group identities around all sorts of things. Political parties, church affiliation, favorite sports teams, or some other shared interested or belief. Public identity has to do with how you present yourself when you’re out in public. This can be at work, in social situations, or just walking down the street. It’s how you dress, how you speak, and how you interact with other people who don’t necessarily share group identity with you. Personal identity is a little trickier, because it is who you are when you’re all alone. Who are you inside when no one else is looking? For some people all of their identities mesh perfectly and there’s no disconnect. For some people they don’t and that can be anywhere from mildly annoying to excruciating. The quest to discover or create an authentic identity is a lifelong endeavor.

So it shouldn't come as a surprise that in this life long undertaking sometimes parts of a person’s identity can change. There are things about a person that were true, that may not be any more, and it’s right and good to revisit the question of how you identify if that happens. In fact, it’s more honest to revise your identity than it is to hold onto one that is no longer true.

If someone does revise their identity to reflect new beliefs, group affiliations, or understandings of themselves does that mean that their previous identity was a phase?

Well, maybe? If something ends does that make it a phase? And if it is a phase does that mean it’s bad? For example: I was a stay at home mom for many years. That was an important part of my identity, the fact that my job, my whole day was spent caring for my son. I have a full-time job working at a hospital now. Being a stay at home mom is no longer a part of my identity, it used to be, but now it’s not. Does that mean that it was just a phase? Kind of, yeah. It was a part of my life that has ended, but does that mean it wasn't real? No, it doesn't. Just because something ends, or is a phase, does not mean that it’s any less valid or important than a part of your identity that lasts your whole life. If it’s true today, it matters.

When it comes to sexuality and gender and identity, the term “phase” can be particularly damaging. It’s often hurled at queer kids coming out to their parents or other adults as a way to invalidate what they’re hearing. “You’re not *really* gay, it’s a phase, you’ll get over it” sort of a thing. It’s used against Bi and Pan-sexual people as well, and sometimes in the queer community. It’s used against people who identify with anything outside the very narrow range of “normal” behavior.

Often students being introduced to concepts around the spectrum of sexual orientation and gender will try on these identities, to see if they fit. Sometimes they will and they’ll wear them for the rest of their lives, sometimes they wont and they’ll lay them aside and move on. Does that make it a phase? Sure, maybe. But that doesn't make it any less valid or deserving of respect.

Adults try on identities as well, some stick and some don’t. As long as you’re constantly growing and changing as a person, you’ll have phases. You’ll change. And you might have to re-evaluate your identities. And it might be scary, especially if it means taking off an old identity that you’ve grown used to. But it’s the right thing to do, and you’ll feel better having done it. Because becoming the most authentic and real version of yourself is hard, but worth it. So embrace your phases. Respect others’ phases. Grow. Change. Be you.

Up next we’re going to go deeper into the concepts around Identity and labels and how they can be freeing and limiting all at the same time!

Until then, stay safe, you are worth protecting

Erin “The Magic Condom Fairy”