Let's Talk About- Identity
Last post was about Phases, which are identities that end. Which sparked some really great conversations about what Identity really is. It is my understanding that Identity can be basically broken down into three different types:
Group Identity: These are the groups you belong to and what that says about you. They can be spiritual groups, racial groups, political groups, geographic groups, favorite sports teams, clubs and organizations, or any other group that you belong to that affects the way you interact with the world. Participation in some groups is voluntary, such as spiritual groups or sports team groups. Some groups are not, such as racial groups. People ascribe all manner of characteristics to people based on their group identities. Some are benign, some are malicious, and some are wildly offensive. Some groups have self imposed characteristics, such as spiritual groups that require their participants to act and believe a certain way, but many groups do not.
Public Identity: This is how you act in public and how you present yourself to the world. It often involves who you are at work, who you are when you’re out and about. What do people see when they see you? It involves how you dress, how you carry yourself, how you speak, and where you go. What do you reveal to the world and what do you want to reveal to the world?
Personal Identity: This is who you are when you’re alone. Who are you on the inside. This kind of identity is not dependent on any other people. It doesn’t matter what groups you belong to or who anyone else thinks you might be, but rather who do you know yourself to be.
For some people questions of identity are really simple. All their various identities mesh together seamlessly and they don’t deal with any cognitive dissonance. Though, to be honest, I don’t know a lot of them. Most people deal with some level of disconnect between the identities that rely on other people’s perceptions of them and their knowledge of themselves. Throughout a person’s life identity can change, one can lead to another, or something else entirely. Who you are both in the world and inside is a conversation you’ll have with yourself for your entire life.
One of the coolest things about identity is that it can be so different for every different person. Different people give more importance to different aspects of their identity. For some people the most important aspect of their identity is their religious affiliation, and everything else falls into place behind that. You can have two people who are both fans of the same football team, but for one that’s a major part of their identity and for the other it just means they check the scores on their way to work the next morning.
Some identities are a choice, and some are with you from the day you are born. You can choose your religion, your geographic location, your hobbies, but you can’t choose your race. Some identities carry privileges with them depending on where and when a person lives. Being white in America offers certain privileges that other races just don’t have access to. Being Christian in America carries certain privileges that people of other religions just don’t have access to. Carrying a privileged identity, whether it’s inborn or chosen isn’t wrong or bad, but it’s important to acknowledge that it’s there and that it doesn’t actually make you better than someone who has a different identity.
And that’s one of my main points, identity is about being who you are, not about hating on other people for being who they are. You can be heterosexual all day long and that’s awesome, but as soon as you start looking down on people with other sexualities because they aren’t straight, you become an asshole. You can be cisgender and that’s perfectly fine, but as soon as you seek to deprive trans and non-binary people of the same rights you enjoy you become a bigot and an asshole. If a part of your identity is based around hating someone else because they’re not like you then your identity is weak and you are an asshole.
Some people struggle with identity their whole lives. The question of “who am I?” is always lingering around. For some people identity is really easy. They might feel like much of who they are is inborn or inherited. Many people are born into a religion and just stay in that religion their whole lives without ever even considering that they could make another choice. Some people grow up in one geographical location, then leave, only to return as soon as they are able. People who don’t struggle with identity often have little cause to examine it. Unfortunately, this often leads to a deep disconnect between people who struggle with their identities and people who don't. For those who don’t struggle with identity, or I should say for those who have never struggled with identity, the question of who they are is quite simple. It’s never even really a question. They just are who they are. They like what they like, live where they live, do what they do.
When a person has never examined their own identity is confronted with challenges to their identity or with people whose identities have changed they often respond with hostility. The idea that some critical part of themselves can change, drastically in some cases, is frightening and upsetting. However, it’s also reality. People change. Sometimes in big ways. You yourself might change. Or you might not.
Our identity is who we are as a person. It’s how we interact with the world, it’s who we understand ourselves to be, and in some ways who others understand us to be. Because our identities are so much a part of how we interact with the world, it’s important to take a look and examine ourselves from time to time. It’s important both to examine who you are on your own and who you are presenting yourself to be.
Here’s a bit of homework to get you thinking about your identity:
Think about all the words you would use to describe yourself, and ask yourself “Why?” and “How?”. Some things you know because you’ve experienced them. For example, I know that I am a mother because I have a child. That’s an easy one for me, but could be more of a challenge for other people depending on their circumstances. Some identities are harder to pin down. Religious identities often boil down to “Because I know in my heart that it’s true”. Sometimes gender identities and sexualities are the same. I am this way because that’s the way I am. And it’s normal and perfectly ok to have identities that you just *know* about yourself, even if they’re not something that you could ever prove to anyone else. If you have an identity that you don’t want to think too much about, or that it feels uncomfortable to examine as yourself why? Why is this hard for you to think about? What makes it different from other identities? Is it because it’s tied to something bad that happened? Or maybe it’s because you’re just not sure about that identity. Maybe it’s not easy to pin down or you have doubts. That's totally okay. You don't have to be 100% sure about every aspect of yourself all the time. People are in a constant state of growing and changing, so maybe that’s a part of you that’s changing a little. When you get bored with telling yourself who you are, tell yourself who you are not. Think about people who are different from you. Either in big ways, or in small ways. What makes you different? What makes you alike?
It’s healthy to explore your identity. And it’s healthy to change. It’s also healthy to remain consistent in aspects of your identity your whole life. The only things that aren’t healthy are either never examining yourself, or forcing yourself to change to please someone else.
It takes courage to be exactly who you are. Even if you’re not entirely sure who that is.
Until next time, stay safe. You are worth protecting.
Erin