Let's Talk About: Catfishing
It may be a sign that I am growing old, or that I’ve been out of the dating scene for a long time, but I was completely unfamiliar with the term “Catfishing” until I happened upon the MTV show by the same name while staying at a friend’s house back in September. I’ve seen the term around quite a bit since then and it got me thinking “Is Catfishing something new, or has it always been around? And if so why are we only just now talking about it?”
What is “Catfishing”? In this context, the one we’re discussing today, it’s when someone misrepresents themselves online for nefarious usually romantic purposes. It does not refer to the curating of our lives that most of us do online. Rather, catfishing is the construction of a wholly or mostly fictional persona, usually to trick other people into becoming romantically involved with them online. It is also not a term for online role playing and other instances in which a fictional identity is assumed to the knowledge of everyone involved. More on that in an upcoming article. In this case they want people to truly believe that they are their fictional self.
So what’s the problem with Catfishing? I’m reminded of an old meme that was going around back in the days of AOL chat rooms and chain emails, it had a Golden Retriever sitting at a desk and the caption “Online Nobody Knows You’re A Dog!”. Catfishing is dishonest, it’s depriving people of information that they might need in order to make an informed choice about whether or not to get involved with another person. To have consent for romantic and sexual involvement , all parties must be aware of what they’re consenting to. If one party is willfully deceiving the other then there can be no consent.
People start living another life online for many reasons. They could start because they’re bored, because they’re lonely. Some people start living another identity online because they’re unable to live that identity in their offline life. Sometimes it starts off innocently enough. Often someone never meant to lie to or mislead someone else, but things got out of hand and now they’re in a position where it would be really difficult to walk it back and they just keep going. Unfortunately, when the truth comes out, and I have to tell you the truth always comes out eventually, the hurt is the same regardless of if it was intentionally misleading or if it wasn’t. At the point a romantic relationship you stop just flirting and begin to forge a real connection, if you’re not being honest with the other person, you’re misleading them.
Remember: Consent must be informed. If you’re afraid that someone wouldn’t like you anymore if they knew the real you, you should definitely tell them. They might surprise you. And if they don’t like you anymore, then they never really liked you to begin with.
It can be hard to tell if you’re being catfished. The reason is that the internet is a really anonymous place. You can be anyone online. People can have entire fake lives with photos, friends, and a convincing back story. And there are some camera shy or network adverse people who may not for perfectly legitimate reasons.
However, there are some red flags that can tell you that your new online girlfriend/boyfriend/date mate isn’t all they seem:
1: They ask you for money, even though you don’t *really* know them. Sometimes the person doing the catfishing will use the emotions of the target to extort money, gifts or favors from them. Tricking a victim into believing that if they just gave someone enough money or gifts or whatever they wanted that they would have sex with or fall in love with them. This is different from sex workers who do exchange sexual favors for money and performers who sell the fantasy of sexual contact without any expectation of actually participating. It’s different because the expectations are set up ahead of time. With Catfish and scams it’s not always as cut and dry as “Hey if you give me $1000 I’ll have sex with you”, it’s more subtle. “I’m so broke, my car broke, my cat broke his leg. If you really loved me you’d help me”. Especially if it happens often.
2: They won’t meet you in person, even though they say they want to. Some people just like having online relationships, and sometimes shit happens. But if your online love interest keeps talking about how much they want to meet face to face, or even making plans to do so, and then always cancel them at the last minute. It’s a good sign that something isn’t what it seems.
3: They only have a couple pictures, or all of their pictures are professional. Most people’s online accounts will have pictures of them doing various daily things, hanging out with friends, at a party, a few selfies maybe. But if every photo looks like it was done in a studio, especially the same studio, it’s time to look into things further. Especially if they say they don’t like taking pictures, and then all their pictures look professional. It’s worth noting that there are plenty of legitimate reasons why this could be the case for a person’s profile, but if it doesn’t line up with what they’ve told you about themselves, it’s time to do a reverse google image search.
4: They don’t have a lot of friends on social media sites. There are plenty of reasons that this can happen, and they’re not all bad. But if someone is a fake identity, there’s a good chance that they won’t have many people available to corroborate their stories. This goes back to the previous point: if there aren’t any pictures of them with other people, it’s a good idea to ask why.
5: If they claim to have a high-profile job but you can’t seem to find anything about them. If you’re talking to someone who claims to be a professional athlete or model or actor or some other public profession and when you google them nothing comes up, or the only thing that comes up is their personal page, be skeptical. In the same vein, if you meet someone online who claims to be a celebrity, don’t believe them.
6: Their stories just don’t add up. This is a good indicator that you’re being lied to or manipulated both online and off. In the case of catfishing, if your online love interest is particularly cagey, if they give you conflicting information, it might be a good idea to look into them further.
So how do you protect yourself from being catfished?
The easy answer is don’t fall for someone you don’t know in real life. Which is fine and dandy, because then you only have to be worried about getting lied to and manipulated to your face. But let’s say you’ve met someone online and you really fancy them. How do you make sure you’re not going to be catfish food? In short: Trust but verify. If they seem too good to be true, they probably are.
1. Don’t ever give someone access to your bank accounts. (There was an episode of Catfished where a guy did this, so let’s just put that out there)
2.Google them, use any info you have, name, location, profession. I recommend this for anyone you’re interested in dating, online and offline. It’s a good way to find out if they are who they say they are.
3. Don’t get deeply involved with someone unless you know their real name. (and have googled it). It can be easy to just go by screen names, but if you’re going to get involved with someone in a way that isn’t just a casual online friendship, it’s a good idea to at least know their name. If you’re not comfortable sharing your name with someone, ask yourself why? Are you harboring doubts about who they say they are? Listen to yourself.
4. Reverse google search their pictures, you can do that without them knowing so that if they comes back as legitimate you don’t have to have the awkward “were you checking into me” conversation.
(Though, if you making sure they are who they say they are is a problem for them maybe it’s not a great idea to get involved. Also be understanding if you find out they’re googling you too. Online safety goes both ways).
5. Give them an opportunity to set the record straight. Once you realize that you’re heading down the road to a relationship that might be more than just an online friendship it’s a good idea to give the other person an opportunity to clear the air of things that they might not have told you, either because they just didn’t come up, or because they were a little sensitive about them.
I don’t want to make it seem like you need to be absolutely honest with everyone about every deep dark secret in your past. As if you can’t keep anything to yourself. But there’s a pretty distinct difference between playing some cards close to the chest and being completely dishonest about who you are or constructing a new identity. Anyone who claims not to know the difference is fooling themselves as much as they’re fooling others.
I have a few articles upcoming about some areas of sex education that don’t get enough attention so stay tuned!
Until then, Stay Safe, You Are Worth Protecting
-The Magic Condom Fairy
Youtube: 10 signs you’re getting Catfished- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttyfG30AfqA
Teen Vogue: 6 signs you’re being catfished- https://www.teenvogue.com/story/signs-youre-being-catfished