Let's Talk About: Talking About Sex (For Parents of Teens)
This week I want to talk about talking about sex. Specifically to teens. Why? Because it’s one of my favorite things to do! And one of the hardest things for a lot of parents to do.
If you are a parent, mentor, or guardian of a teenager you’re probably aware of how things have changed since you were a teen. The generation of people who are in their teens and twenties today have grown up in a world saturated with digital media. There are good and bad things about this. The good news is that information flows more freely than ever, your teen has access to as much medically accurate information as they can stand in their pocket or at their fingertips. Unfortunately that means they have access to misinformation, lies, hatred, and people who for whatever reason wish them harm. This means that one of the most critical skills for young people and really, everyone, is how to separate reliable, accurate information from crap. The best way to make sure that, at least when it comes to sex, that your teen is getting the correct information is to have it come from you.
Sex-positive fact based sex ed is amazing and necessary and all too uncommon. Teens should have access to top rate educators who are informed and positive and passionate about what they do. Sadly, most don’t. But even the best educator is not a replacement for a parent who is engaged, honest, and available. Of course, talking to your child or teen about sex is hard. Really hard. Where do you start? When do you start?
When is easier. The answer is now. No matter how old your child may be, there are age appropriate conversations to have.
For young children, making sure that they know the correct words for their body parts, making sure that they know that they have the right to say no if they don’t want someone to touch them. Making sure that they feel safe coming to you if someone was inappropriate with them. Giving children the agency to choose who they hug and when is a big thing as well, maybe if they are not in the mood to give grandpa a hug they can shake his hand. It seems very small but it lays the groundwork for conversations about consent later on.
As children get older, answer questions as they arise. Be honest and engaged. Try to remain non-judgemental about what they’re asking. It could be something they’re interested in, something they saw online, or something they overheard and don’t understand. Do your best to give them as much of a complete answer as you can for their age. You might feel that the topic is inappropriate but answering an honest question with “We’ll discuss it when you’re older” shuts them down, and also gives them the impression that you are not the person to whom they should ask these questions. They will also seek out alternative sources of information. Sources that may or may not be the most accurate.
Once students hit middle school, it’s time to have serious engaged discussions. Remember, some kids learn stuff early so don’t be afraid to have the conversations sooner if your child is interested. Teens are getting exposed to more and more sexual content at a younger and younger age. I’m only 31, and in my early teens one would have to work very hard to see naked people having sex with each other. But by the time I was a junior or senior in high school I could hardly check my email without porn popping up on the desktop. Sex and sexuality are everywhere. Chances are most parents of teenagers today are my age or (more likely) older. When I teach middle schoolers I ask who has seen porn (by accident or on purpose), it’s usually every single one. Teens are curious about sex and human bodies. Adults are curious about sex and human bodies. Porn is readily available, for free, on any internet connected device. Your teen has almost certainly watched porn. There are some who don’t, but chances are that they’ve experienced it at least once.
The reason I bring up porn is not to shock parents or gross them out. Chances are you watch porn too. The reason is that teens today have access to far more sex than we did at their age. So the conversation has to happen earlier, and more often.
It’s okay to be awkward when talking about sex with your kids. It’s okay to not have all the answers. It’s okay to be at a loss for words or where to start.
Talking about sexuality with young people is one of my favorite things to do. What ever part of the brain it is that encourages people to feel shame when talking about sex, even in a factual manner, I just don’t have it. Being able to connect with teens and inspire honesty in their questions and (as much as anyone can) interest in the topic is one of my skills. It’s not rocket science, it’s all in the approach. Here are some tips that I can share for having effective conversations with your teen about sex.
1- Treat them like an adult, not a child.
I know what you’re going to say. “But they are a child! They’re my child”. Yes. They are. They are also thinking, feeling, autonomous humans who are going to be making very adult choices, probably sooner than you think. One of the worst things you can do to your teen is belittle them. Understand that they have their own thoughts, their own reasoning skills, independent of yours. By treating them as intelligent, thoughtful people whose ideas and experiences are worthy of your time and respect, you inspire them to do the same.
2- Avoid Generalizations
People hate being boxed and pigeon holed. Teens especially. Avoid saying things like “I know all teens want to have sex” or “I know you think you’re indestructible”. Broad generalizations can feel disissive and you know as well as anybody what makes your teen unique. It all goes back to treating them with respect and as someone who is able to make good choices.
3- Authoritarian pronouncements are ineffective and often inspire the need to rebel.
One of the worst things you can say to someone is “as long as you're under my roof you'll do as i say!” Why? because it gives no justification for why this is the right thing to do. It admits that the only reason for obedience is so that the parent can maintain control of the home. It does nothing to help your teen to learn how to make correct choices when not at home. If you can’t provide a good reason for why a rule is necessary outside of “because i said so” then maybe it’s time to consider if it is a necessary rule. Allowing your teens to question why something is a rule, and to see your reasoning behind it may help them to understand why they should follow it, helps to lay the groundwork for more complex decision making as they grow older. Also, everyone hates it when an authority figure tells them to do something for no apparent reason.
4- Stay focused and remember: You’re the Adult!
Remember your goal. Which is hopefully to impart an understanding of healthy sexual and romantic relationships to your teen or pre-teen. It’s a good idea to have a few key points in mind going in. When people get uncomfortable sometimes they can act out or deflect, if this happens bring the conversation back around to your points. Stay focused on the topic at hand, as uncomfortable as it may be.
5- Don’t fight
Try to remember that it’s a conversation, not a battle. If there are going to be strict ground rules, state them clearly and be ready to expound on why (see point 3), but don’t dwell on that. Find out what your teen thinks and feels about sex and relationships. They might surprise you.
I could write a book on techniques and approaches to discussing difficult things with teens. Maybe someday I will. But right now I hope this brief overview will help make these conversations a little less difficult.
Remember, the more you discuss sex and sexuality with your teen or preteen the more likely it is that they will be willing to come to you when it really matters.
Until next time: Stay safe, you are worth protecting.
-Erin
PS the header image on this article is from a google search for "Cool Teens" and originates from a buzzfeed article about "kids who are too cool for school" and TBH, I think having protection is cool so I picked it.