Let's Talk About: Bi/Poly/Pan
This week we’re going to talk about one of my favorite topics: How language can be super confusing! But don’t worry, I’ll clear it all up for you. Or not.
The terms we’re discussing this week are Bisexual, Pansexual, and Polysexual. They’re all very similar concepts and sexualities with a lot of overlap and some people use these terms interchangeable, but many people don’t. There’s also some controversy over which term should be used. We’ll discuss that too.
The reason that people have trouble understanding these concepts, in my opinion, is that they exist outside of the accepted binary of “Gay” and “Straight”. They’re sort of in between, or even outside of that binary concept. And humans tend to struggle with things that are in the grey areas in life. We like binaries. We like binaries so much that if you ask someone what the opposite of Dog is they’ll say Cat. Of course, humans don’t exist in any sort of binary. So people who exist somewhere in the middle of the spectrum tend to have a lot of trouble getting recognition
Bisexual is the oldest and most well established term of the three. Traditionally it meant “sexually attracted to men and women” but now people are identifying it more along the lines of “sexually attracted to people with the same gender as me and with a different gender” which is a more inclusive term. Sadly there’s a lot of biphobia and bi-erasure in both the hetero world and the LGBTQ+ community. People are under the mistaken impression that Bisexuality isn’t a real thing. Like, they’re either doing it for attention or they’re *really* gay but they’re just pretending to sometimes be straight, or pretending to be gay. This isn’t true. People also think that if someone isn’t equally attracted to different genders then they can’t really be bi. Like a person who has a preference is automatically not bi, or if someone is in a monogamous relationship with someone then they’re straight or gay depending on their partner’s gender. Of course, the ability to become sexually attracted to other people doesn’t go away when people are in a relationship (with the exception of some people on the more Asexual side of things) so why would a person’s sexual orientation go away? Also many bisexual people experience attraction for different genders in different ways and in different degrees. This is completely normal.
Pansexuality is similar to bisexuality, but means that a person is attracted to people of all genders. No, it does not mean that a person is sexually attracted to pans, trust me every pansexual you’ll ever meet has already heard that joke and it wasn’t funny the first time. Please refrain, or come up with a better pun. Some people think that pansexuality means that a person is sexually attracted to literally everyone. And I don’t believe that’s true, though for some people it may be. It is my understanding that Pansexuals *could* be attracted to anyone, regardless of gender expression but have preferences, turn offs, and non-sexual relationships just like everyone else.
Polysexuality is the newest term of the three. It means being attracted to “Many genders”. It doesn’t imply all genders like Pansexuality does. Polysexuality should not be confused with Polyamory. Polyamory is consensual non-monogamy, polysexuals can be monogamous or not. Polyamorous individuals can have any sexual orientation.
So what’s the deal? Why so many different terms for what could easily be construed as the same thing?
For the same reason that there are hundreds of different shades of red lipstick on the market. People are different and varied, and there’s no “One Size Fits All”. Also because identity is important. Especially for people who fall outside of the “norm”. Of course I’d argue that “normal” is also an illusion, but that’s a topic for another day. What’s important now, is to understand that people are different from each other, and that sometimes people will make other people feel bad for being different. In school they call kids names until they cry then make fun of them for getting their feelings hurt, when they grow up they strip people of their human rights and accuse them of being irrational when they get angry. Having a word to describe the ways in which you are weird, one not hurled at you in anger but discovered and uncovered can go a long way to helping people understand themselves, and to realize that, if there’s a word for people like me, then that means that there are other people like me. Finding the right term for yourself feels good.
There’s a bit of controversy going on about the term “bisexual”. There have been some online who say that it’s transphobic, because it implies a binary of gender which one is attracted to. Bi meaning “two”, so only two genders. Given that there are far more than two genders, it’s a fair criticism. I understand why people are bringing it up, and why some people who are attracted to multiple genders, but not all, are choosing the more inclusive term “polysexual”. The feelings of hurt and erasure are valid and real. However, I don’t believe it’s right to try to force someone to identify differently than they do because it makes you feel uncomfortable, or because you misunderstand what their identity terms mean. Bisexual people already face a great deal of negativity and erasure in the LGBTQ+ community, and trying to erase their identifying term is just not okay. When trying to understand an identity, it is best to talk to people, or read writing by people who identify that way. The general consensus amongst bisexuals seems to be that while the definition of “attracted to men and women” was popular in the past, given the growing awareness of gender diversity bisexual now means “Attracted to people with genders both like and unlike mine”. Words have meanings, and sometimes those meanings can shift and become more refined as time goes on.
It is possible for bisexual people to be transphobic, just like it’s possible for gay or straight people to be transphobic, but it is not an inherent property in the identity. Many transgender people identify as bisexual themselves.
No matter how you identify, you are valid. People can identify however feels the most right to them. If you personally have an issue with the way that another person identifies, you can mind your own business, or it might be worth your while to ask them about it. The first time I met a person who identified as Pansexual, I didn’t understand, and asked them what that meant, and it lead to an excellent conversation. Learning about other people is one of the best things about being human, and to me, learning about the myriad of genders and sexual orientations in the world is one of the best parts of being a sex educator.
Next week we’ll be discussing a very difficult topic: Sexual Assault, specifically of men.
Until then, please stay safe. You are worth protecting.
-Erin
Some further reading on the Trans/Biphobia issue:
If you read no other article, this one written by a Trans Bi person is succinct and clearer than I could ever be:
This article by Everyday Feminism clears up a few misconceptions many people have about Bisexuality:
A well researched and laid out fact checking about the issue:
Also this Tumblr is worth your while: