Let's Talk About: Rape Culture and Slut Shaming
The problem with talking about slut shaming and rape culture is that they are so pervasive that people have trouble seeing them. It’s such an accepted way that we speak to each other, that we interact with the world around us, it’s a part of the way we think. One little column by one sex educator isn’t going to change that. But I’m hoping to make you at least a little more aware of the subtle ways that we reinforce a rape culture that have real world consequences.
Before I get started, I want to speak to the concept of “political correctness”. I find that I can’t bring up these topics without being accused of trying to force political correctness onto people, trying to force everyone to think like me and talk like me. And that’s not it at all. The thing is I don’t care about what is or is not politically correct. Maybe I’m old fashioned but I care about treating other humans with respect and not being an asshole. And if treating other people with respect and not being an asshole is politically correct, then so be it.
Rape culture is: A society or environment whose prevailing social attitudes have the effect of normalizing or trivializing sexual assault or abuse.
It is a part of our over all society, when we worry more about what accusations of rape will do to a man’s reputation than what the rape itself has done to a woman. It’s when we ask what a victim of an assault was wearing or how much they drank. It’s a frat house where roofies are as common as red solo cups. It’s a workplace where a female employee is forced to endure groping, harassment, and implied threats from coworkers and customers for fear of being seen as an “uptight bitch” or “trouble make” or “problem” and losing her job.
Rape culture is also in demeaning jokes. It exists in “What do you call pigtails on a blonde? Handlebars”. It exists in men who feel it is their right to call obscenities at women on the street, or from their cars. Rape culture is the knowledge that every single woman has had when going on a first date that this could end poorly and that she’s going to need to protect herself somehow. Rape culture is a man feeling so entitled to sex that he would accuse a woman of leading him on by being his friend, the commonly referred to “Friend Zone”.
Rape culture is all over. It’s locker room talk. It’s bragging about sexually assaulting a woman and then still being elected president.
Places where toxic masculinity, machismo, are stronger, either in nations or in environments with in our own culture, are the places where rape culture is at its worst. It comes from an idea that in order to be a “real” man one must be filled with a powerful lust and willing to fight or rape to get it. It’s an environment where weakness is punished. And anything questioning this absolute dedication to strength is weakness. Unfortunately for men, toxic masculinity is dangerous to them too. There’s not much room for critical thought, or creativity in rape culture. Men are expected to conform, and though I can not be 100% sure, having never been a man expected to conform to a toxic culture, being told that I am a slavering beast barely in control of my own impulses and that it is my job to rule over half the world’s population sounds like a pretty terrible way to think about yourself. Rape culture reinforces the idea that men can not be victims of sexual violence and rape, because they want it all the time. Of course, we know that men can be victims of sexual violence, but it is deeply under reported, even worse than the rate that sexual assault against women gets reported. Not to mention what happens to men who do not conform. Maybe I should say “males who do not conform”. Either by being a different sort of man or by becoming a different sort of human all together. Rape culture has lead to the sexual assaults, beatings, and murders of countless gay, trans, nonconforming, or just plain weird men. And rape culture looks at these men the same way it looks at women who were attacked and asked “well, what did they do to deserve it?”
Victim blaming is a major tool of rape culture. “What did she do to deserve it?” as if there was something a person could do to invite rape. As if clothes or past actions were in some way reason enough to assault a person.
Slut shaming is a variant of victim blaming. It seeks to make a woman feel guilty or inferior for engaging in certain sexual behaviors or acting outside the traditional expectations of how a “woman” should behave. It is a way of saying “we do not have to respect you as a person because you are not a woman worthy of our respect”, and is more often tied to socio economic status than to any actual behaviors. Of course, people who are not cis women can be slut shamed as well. It’s a pretty common practice to slut shame gay men for being too promiscuous or for being too open about their sexualities. And that’s kind of the thing right? We don’t want people to be open about their sexuality. It has very little to do with the number of partners a person has actually had. Like, if you’re comfortable with sex and you can talk about it in a regular voice and not in a hushed tone behind your hand, you’re a slut. If you wear clothing that shows off parts of your body that you are proud of, you’re a slut. If you enjoy sex, you’re a slut. One time I even got called a slut for turning a man down. If you’re too confident you’re a slut. If you get pregnant unintentionally you’re a slut. If you get an STI (something that happens to 50% of sexually active adults) you’re a slut.
I can go on. But you get the idea.
I’ve been called a slut specifically for being a sex education teacher. I was called a slut multiple times when I was younger and still a virgin. I was called a slut when monogamously dating the man who I would eventually marry. I’ve been called a slut more times than I can remember. I can’t be sure, but I’m fairly certain that all the times I was called a slut it was not because I was being sexually promiscuous, but rather because I had done something which displeased a man. I’m grateful that the worst they did was try to insult me. The thing is, they didn’t succeed. I am not insulted by being called a slut.
There is a strange notion that being a slut means you have no self respect. Or less self respect. I always think of some uptight old woman clutching her pearls and shouting “Have some respect!”. I have had times in my life when I lacked self respect. Laying on my bed, hating myself, alone, depressed. Those moments when my self respect was flagging the most there was no one around to call me a slut. But when I’ve been called a slut? When I feel good about myself. When I like the way I look or when I’m standing up for myself. Usually when I’m standing up for myself. There’s an idea that having more sexual partners, or more sex, means you care less about yourself. At least if you’re a woman. As if having sex is damaging to your value as a person. Which I suppose in some people’s eyes it is. But those are the same people who use the word slut as an insult against those of us who don’t conform to their narrow ideas of womanhood so I really don’t care what they think.
Sluts serve a function in society like bitches, witches, and whores. They’re words used to attempt to shame a certain type of woman. They sit a little outside of respectability. Too loud, too sexy, too demanding, too strange. They are defiant in the face of attempts at shame. For some people, they’re a cautionary tale. For others, an escape, a rejection of orthodox notions of being a “good woman”. I am proud to have been called all of these things.
The next time you find yourself wanting to call someone a slut, or the next time you find yourself responding to reports of sexual assault with “What was she doing?” or “What were they wearing?” I want you to ask yourself “why”. Why do you care? Why is that a bad thing? Why is that relevant to what happened? Just ask yourself “Why”.
Next week we will be discussing something much more pleasant! Body positivity and the #BoPo movement!
Until then, stay safe. You are worth protecting
-Erin
P.S. If you find value in the work that I do, please consider supporting The Magic Condom Fairy on Patreon. Once I can afford to, I’m going to start doing regular videos to accompany my articles, and hopefully be able to provide even better sex education to all. Also please share my posts around social media, the more shares, the more readers!