Let's Talk About: Asexuality

Asexuality, like most sexual orientations, has been around for as long as there have been people. Like all orientations, it exists on a spectrum and can get into some grey areas. Few things are cut and dry in human sexuality. Asexuals, also known as Ace, are people who don’t experience sexual attraction. Or who experience sexual attraction very rarely or under a very specific set of circumstances.Sometimes Ace is used as an umbrella term to refer to people on the “little to no sexual attraction” end of the spectrum.

To begin, let’s talk about the different types of attraction. A person can feel attracted to other people in many different ways, some all at once, some not at all.

There’s aesthetic attraction, which is being attracted to the way someone or something looks. Like a beautiful painting or statue. It’s that feeling when you look at someone and go “wow, that is a beautiful person”. Aesthetic attraction is what makes us pick up magazines with beautiful men and women on it. We can be aesthetically attracted to many things, and it doesn't really need to be a sexual thing. It’s more the urge to continue to look at something or someone who is pleasing.

Next there’s romantic attraction. This is a little harder to define. Romantic attraction is wanting to be emotionally involved with someone. Wanting to go on dates, spend time together. It’s the kind of love that results in poetry. For some people romantic attraction includes some physical contact (snuggling, hand holding, etc). In addition to Asexual people there are Aromantic people (commonly called Aro). They’re people who while they may or may not experience sexual attraction, they don’t get this romantic love feeling. It’s just, not something they feel. A romantic people are not broken, or damaged, or heartless. In fact they are often deeply caring loving people who have deep bonds with friends and family, but just don’t have an interest in having a romantic relationship. Not all Asexual people are Aromantic, and not all Aromantic people are Asexual.

Then there’s sensual attraction. Sensual attraction is the desire to share physical (non-sexual) contact with someone. It’s wanting to hug, or cuddle with someone. Sensual attraction is just the need to touch and be touched and can be shared with close friends, or often in family. Again, it’s non-sexual touch.

Finally there’s sexual attraction. Sexual attraction is the desire to have sex with someone or alone. It's the desire to give and receive sexual pleasure. Often it can feel like heat, like a hunger. Sexual attraction is looking at someone and rather than simply appreciating their beauty, or wanting to snuggle with them, wanting to have sex with them.

Asexual people don’t really feel the sexual attraction side. They can and often do feel any of the other forms of attraction. There are different ways of being an asexual as well. Some Aces have romantic feelings and attachments, some do not (Aro). Some Aces feel sexual attraction very seldomly (sometimes referred to as Grey Aces) and some will feel sexual attraction for a person after a while, once an emotional and romantic bond has been forged. These people are called “Demi Sexuals”.

So, I can hear the arguments now. These are all just “labels” right? Words meant to divide us up into little boxes, separate us.This is just another weird sexuality invented by tumblr to make snowflakes feel special. No.

Here’s the thing, the words we use are important, and labels are important. For a person who has never felt othered or broken because of their sexuality, it’s easy to say that these labels are damaging. It’s easy to pretend that they’re not real, or not important. It’s easy to say that they separate people. What’s not easy is to live with a self that is not represented any where. It’s not easy to be the only teenager that doesn’t have a crush on anyone and couldn’t really care less about who’s hot and who’s not. It’s not easy to date or find a partner when you can’t describe that while you want to be with them you don’t want to have sex. It’s not easy to live with guilt, sadness, shame, and feelings of being “broken” or less of a person because you just don’t want to have sex.

Lacking a language to describe the infinite ways a person can exist as a sexual being is far more hurtful than label division will ever be. It is just important to remember that humans are more complex than our language will ever be. And therefore there will always be overlap, gaps, and intersections of identity. Some identities can shift throughout life. That is okay. It doesn’t mean that it was “a phase” or any less real. Some identities won’t change. Only time can tell how everything will develop.

In researching this article I was fortunate to have the opportunity to talk with people who are Ace. The recurring theme was “feeling broken” or just very confused about why they were different before discovering their identity and then feeling much better about themselves once they realize that there are others like them in the world. Just hearing the word “Asexual” can give people a sense of belonging that they need. This is why representation matters. Seeing real characters in TV, movies, reading about them in books, who openly identify as Asexual can help give people context for not only their sexual orientation, but for their friends and family too.

Some other common misconceptions about Asexuals:

“Asexuals reproduce without sex”.

No. Don’t be stupid. Ace people are still people. We’re all mammals.

“Asexual people don’t have kids”.

Some do, some don’t.

“Asexual people just need to find the right person and they’ll be fixed”

First of all, Asexual people don’t need to be fixed, there’s nothing *wrong* with them. Secondly, some people (Demisexuals) do develop sexual feelings for the “right” person. However, many Asexuals do not.

“Asexuals are only that way because they had some sort of trauma that made them that way”

Okay, so this is a really common idea that I found floating around out there. People say the same thing about Lesbians too. Like people just can’t wrap their minds around someone not being interested in the same kind of sex they are, this person must be traumatized. However, this is not true. Some people are just wired this way. There are people who are Asexual who have sexual trauma in their pasts. There are people of all sexual orientations who have sexual trauma in their past. It’s not what makes them Ace, it’s just an unfortunate fact of reality that too many people experience sexual trauma and aren’t given the support they need to heal from it.

“Asexual people don’t want to have sex, so they must not ever think about sex or know anything about sex”

Just because they don’t want to have sex personally, doesn’t mean they don’t know about it. We all know about lots of things that exist in the world that aren’t things we really need to do. Also, on a more personal note, some of the Ace blogs and tumblrs out there are gateways to the absolute filthiest fan fiction I’ve ever read. Excellent work Aces.

So, in short:

Asexual people exist. They are people who don’t generally experience sexual attraction, or who experience it very infrequently.

Ace people may or may not experience romantic attraction. It varies from person to person. They also may or may not want to be touched.

If you are an asexual person I hope that you feel valued and seen. You’re an important part of this world. I also want to encourage you to seek out other Ace people, on the internet or IRL. Feeilng part of a community can help get rid of that isolation, and it’s nice to have people who get you. Also, Ace blogs and Tumblrs have some of the best freaking memes on the internet. They’re worth a while.

Next week I will be taking a break, I’ll be presenting a panel on Consent and Personal Safety at Anthrocon 2017 next Friday, so I will not be publishing an article in order to prepare. The following week’s article (July 5th) is going to be a round up of Anthrocon, a whole bunch of pictures, and my thoughts on the Furry Community (spoiler: I love furries).

Until then, stay safe. You are worth protecting!

-Erin

P.s. If you enjoy the work that I’m doing and would like to show your support please consider making a donation at Ko-fi.com/condomfairy

Thank you!