Let's Talk About: Gendered Language
The English Language is a hot mess, for every grammatical rule there are nearly as many exceptions as adherents and for some people, such as myself, strict obedience to the rules is often sacrificed for stylistic flair. Discussions about gender are no exception. A great deal of our language and the ways in which we interact with each other are dependent on gender modifiers, and it can be hard to break the habit.
A word to the wise: Although I am a very cunning linguist (see what I did there?) I am not an expert. There are plenty of people who know far more than I do who have written very interesting things on the subject of gender in the English language. Also I don’t really speak any other languages well enough to be able to discuss them intelligently.
I strive to use inclusive language when I write about human sexuality, and strive to be aware of the ways in which gender creeps into everyday speech. Of course, I fall short. I posted an article in which I mentioned “brothers and sisters” without realizing that even in my attempts to be inclusive, I was still excluding non-binary people. It was better to write “Brothers, sisters, and siblings” which I switched it to once it was brought to my attention. It’s important to be aware of the way we speak and what that betrays about our thoughts and opinions.
Generally I use different language to discuss gender and sex. Sex is biological, and I use the terms male, female, and intersex to refer to people of different biological sexes. Gender is more mental and social. Gender is how you feel and act. I use the terms men, women, trans, and nonbinary to refer to gender, though that is not an exhaustive list. This is not a standardized practice but it suits me well. I am also well aware of the fact that I’ve slipped up. When discussing menstruation I know that I’ve used the term “women” when I meant “females”. Because we know that not all women menstruate, and not all menstruating people are women.
The use of “man” or “men” as a gender neutral phrase is outdated and incorrect. Men is not a neutral phrase to refer to a group of people of mixed gender. The reason is because Men refers to people of the masculine gender. Terms like “Mankind” are gendered. There are plenty of other terms people can use to replace the masculine neutral. In Star Trek the original series the tag line was ‘To boldly go where no man has gone before’. In Star Trek: the Next Generation the line was subtly changed to be more inclusive to “To boldly go where no one has gone before”. It’s a small change, but a significant one, as it acknowledges that “man” is a bit of a limiting word. I would encourage you to pay attention to yourself using the masculine and any time you find yourself using it, try mentally switching it to the feminine. If “All men are created equal” try thinking “All women are created equal” and imagining that as the gender neutral phrase. Try substituting “All people are created equal” and see how that feels. By just paying attention to the way we use words, we can create a more inclusive environment for everyone.
Another big concern in the language of gender are pronouns. For many cis gender people their pronouns are simple, he or she, and usually they present strongly enough in line with their gender that it is not difficult. However, for a lot of people it’s not so straightforward. They might not be presenting in line with expectations of their gender that day, or they might be gender fluid or nonbinary. As far as I’ve learned it’s better to ask nicely what pronoun a person prefers if you’re unsure. Bare in mind that you might get it wrong, and that it’s okay to be wrong about a person’s gender as long as you aren’t a jerk about it. Being misgendered can be really frightening, especially if the person being misgendered doesn’t feel safe in their surroundings. If they do speak up for themselves, it is best to apologize for your mistake and just move on.
The lack of a standardized gender neutral pronoun in the English language is not a new issue. People who like to pretend that this is something new to this generation are fools. The debate over whether or not it is grammatically correct to use “They” as a gender neutral singular pronoun has been going on since the 1700s, and the practice of “They” has been going on for even longer than that. Personally, I see nothing wrong with it. It’s been a part of the English language for centuries and most people are quite comfortable with it. I’ve used it multiple times in this article already, and will continue to do so. Ze has also risen to popularity in recent decades as a distinctly gender neutral alternative to He or She. If someone tells you their preferred pronoun, and it’s one you haven’t heard before, the polite thing to do is to use the pronoun they told you to use.
At the end of this article I’ve included a couple links that are super helpful. One is a hand out by the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill on gender neutral language that goes into detail about gendered phrases and some good alternate suggestions. It even refers to the change in the Star Trek tag line! The other is an article by Barista magazine that recently made its rounds on social media. Although it is written for people who work in coffee shops it has lots of good ideas for anyone who works in a customer service related field.
I can guess what you’re thinking. This whole gendered language, gender neutral pronouns, language policing seems very P.C. Very “poor precious snowflake”. Why don't people just suck it up and not care about being wrongly gendered. Why should *I* put forth the effort to change the way *I* speak just to save someone else’s feelings?
It goes back to the old arguments around grammar and language. Which, thankfully, I am well equipped to discuss. Why should I care if I use exactly the right word in exactly the right context? Why should I use a comma when I don’t want to? Clearly everyone will know what I mean even if I don’t use correct grammar.
Well...no. Precision of language is not just a matter for journalists and academics but for everyone who uses written language to communicate. We’ve all been on the wrong end of a misunderstood text or email. Unfortunately, a simple miscommunication or misunderstanding can have serious consequences. Learning to communicate clearly and effectively is an essential skill in today’s world. It is also an ever changing target. Language changes as time goes on. It changes with the people who use it. Words come into being and change their meanings. Staying up with what words mean today is important if you want to be understood. It’s not actually as difficult as some people try to make it seem. It isn’t a matter of being P.C. it is a matter of being accurate in your speech.
Refusing to acknowledge the living nature of language and rely solely on the predominant syntax of “back in my day” is likely to lead to misunderstandings, some of which might be severe. The thing is, if you’re reading this, you don’t have any excuse to not be aware of modern language. If you are reading this right now, you have access to the internet. You can look up phrases and terms that you haven’t heard before. You can learn. Gender neutral language is considered the standard now for academic and journalistic writing. Which means that all professional communication is right behind.
And I know, people are thinking “Well this kind of language policing is oppressive!” There are plenty of people out there who resent being told that the way they speak to people is no longer correct. And to those people I say this:
Suck it up and deal with it.
This is the reality of a living language. It changes and if you want to be understood you have to change with it.
The other side of the argument is more problematic. “If I’m not trying to say something hurtful to someone that means they aren’t able to be hurt by it. Right?”
Wrong. Obviously. To quote Louis C.K. “When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn't.” When doing your best to be inclusive it is still possible to fall short. I have and I’m sure I will again. Instead of getting defensive when someone points out that you’ve misspoken, either by misgendering someone or by just not quite communicating what you tried to communicate, try apologizing. A simple, genuine “I’m sorry” can go a long way. And when someone corrects you, don’t make the same mistake again.
I can’t believe that I had to write that paragraph. As far as I can tell this is basic manners. If you screw up and say something rude to someone, even if you didn’t mean it as rude, you don’t get to blame the other person for your poor behavior. And if you do say something rude to someone, and they call you on it, and you feel that you were not rude, remember what Louis C.K. said and apologize any way because it’s the right thing to do.
Respecting other people should not be a large ask.
Next week we will be getting into some of the issues facing the Trans community.
Until then, stay safe. You are worth protecting.
-Erin
P.S. If you’re enjoying my articles and would like to help me to do more I have a Ko-fi page, where you can donate cups of coffee through Paypal (There is an 85% chance any funds donated will actually be spent on coffee). Any way, if you feel so inclined please visit: https://ko-fi.com/condomfairy
UNC Handout on Inclusive Language: http://writingcenter.unc.edu/handouts/gender-inclusive-language/
Barista Magazine piece on Gendered language in customer service: