Let's Talk About: Gender

Initially I had planned to write my article this week about the Trans individuals, answer some questions that people seem to have about Trans people, and write about the unique difficulties facing the Trans community. However, in order to begin to have that conversation, we first need to talk about Gender. What it is, and really, what it isn’t.

So, what is gender? That depends on who you ask. We in the sex education field prefer definitions of gender that differ from definitions of biological sex. Gender is the social and cultural expectations, appearances, and behaviors usually assigned to people at birth. Biological sex is a person’s anatomy, usually based on chromosomes, genital shape, and secondary sex characteristics. We are often led to believe that biological sex and gender are the same thing and that both are binary (binary meaning that there are only two options). This is not true.

Biological sex is the anatomical reality of bodies. Unfortunately for people who are deeply invested in sexual and gender binary, human bodies don’t always fit into little boxes. There are people who have chromosomal differences, generally people are either XX (female) or XY (male), however humans exist with XXY chromosomes and they can appear biologically female or male. There are people with XY chromosomes who have female genitalia and appear biologically female. Of course the question of appearing “biologically female” or “biologically male” is a complicated one, even if we ignore all secondary sexual characteristics and are just talking about a person’s genitals. As with all things in humanity, there’s no “standard” of genitalia. Some are bigger, some are smaller, some are shaped differently. And they exist on a spectrum. Somewhere in the middle of the spectrum of genitalia exists a world of ambiguous genitalia, “Inter Sex”. People who are inter sex have genitalia that is neither clearly male nor clearly female. In previous eras infants who were born with ambiguous genitalia were operated upon to create more standardized genitalia at birth. Doctors usually assigned these intersex children female genitalia as it was easier to create a vulva from existing tissue then it would be to create a penis. The surgeries are painful, invasive, irreversible, and extremely dangerous. They are often based on concepts from the 1800s about “abnormal” genitals. There is a growing movement to outlaw these non-consensual sex assignment procedures performed on infants and it is being treated as a human rights issue.

Gender is even more complicated. Gender is societal, and in ways that biological sex is not, gender is public. Gender is the clothes you wear, the way you walk, the way you speak, the words you use to describe yourself. Gender is your hair, your face, your nails. Gender rules dictate who pays for dinner and what you want to watch on TV. Gender is your social group, your dating pool, your family’s expectations of you. Often, gender is in your name. Gender is even more than that. Gender is blended into everything we do.

With the exception of a few states and their transphobic bathroom legislation, it is generally considered rude to demand to know what sort of genitals a person has. We don’t generally test a person’s DNA for chromosome configuration when we introduce ourselves. Although gender and sex are not the same thing, they are often linked, or assumed to be tied together. When you meet a person their gender is often one of the first things you notice. Often it’s one of the first things you’ll reveal about someone when you discuss them. “I met the nicest lady today”. “That guy is a total asshole”.

Try to describe someone without using their gender. “My friend Sam is tall, athletic, creative, and really loves dogs. Sam knows how to sword fight and knit”. You’ll probably find that it is more challenging than you expected.

The thing about gender is that it is arbitrary. From the moment a person is born, often before that, expectations of gender are thrust upon them. Some children come out of the womb with external sexual organs and we label them boys and wrap them in blue. We fill their rooms with foot balls and fire trucks and call them “slugger” and encourage them to play in the mud. Some come out of the womb with internal sexual organs, and we label them girls and wrap them in pink. We fill their rooms with tiaras and dolls and call them “princess” and encourage them to have tea parties But gender rules change. In the 1910’s it was more acceptable for boys to be dressed in pink because it was more “masculine” whereas blue was considered the more feminine color for little girls. We impose rules upon children, such as boys can’t play with baby dolls. Which is foolish of course, girls play with baby dolls and pretend to be mothers. Why is it wrong for boys to pretend to be fathers.

Gender rules and roles vary by culture and time. I wore pants today. I’m a cis gender woman. Cis gender means that I identify as the same gender I was assigned at birth. There was a time when I would not be allowed to wear pants in public. It would be weird, unseemly. I could have been arrested or publicly shamed, even executed. Today in America, it’s perfectly ordinary for a woman to wear pants. Rules change. In America it’s still fairly unusual to see a man wearing a dress, or even a dress-like garment. It’s comedic or even frightening to some people. However in many places in the middle east men traditionally wear a garment called a Thawb, which is a long white cotton tunic, coming to their ankles. It’s very well suited to the climate of the region. It also looks a lot like a dress.

When it comes to gender rules and roles, no one is perfect. I have never met a woman who buys into everything Femme and eschews all masculine things. I’ve never met an American woman who has never worn pants. Same for men. Women are supposed to cook, but the lion’s share of the world’s chefs are men. Often gender expectations are conflicting, where it is humanly impossible to exhibit all the characteristics in the same person.

Gender expectations are confusing and complicated and vary so deeply from person to person, so is it any wonder that there are some people who just don’t fit the traditional man/woman binary at all? We know that people don’t have binary bodies, people don’t have binary lives either. Some people are women, some are men. Some females are women, some females are men. Some males are women some males are men. Some people are genderqueer, existing somewhere in the grey area between genders, much like intersex people might exist in the grey area anatomically. Some people are gender fluid, identifying with one gender one day, then another gender another day. There are transgender people, who were assigned one gender at birth, then at some point in their lives find that they fit more into another gender.

The really wonderful thing is, there’s no wrong way to have a body. Having an intersex body is absolutely just as right, good, and healthy as a male or female body. By the same token, there’s no wrong way to have a gender. Being gender non-binary is absolutely just as valid and real as being a man or a woman. To go one step further, there’s no wrong way to be a man, and there’s no wrong way to be a woman. Your gender does not need to dictate your desires, your appearance, your hobbies.

Be who you are. Do what you love. Let your gender be a window instead of a cage.

Over the next couple weeks I’ll be discussing gendered language and the unique challenges facing the trans and gender non-binary community today.

Stay safe, You are worth protecting.

-Erin

For more information on Intersex people and activism visit Intersex Society of North America: http://www.isna.org/