top of page

Let's Talk About: Polyamory/ Ethical Non-monogamy


All I can hear in my head is “That’s Cheating”. That’s the usual reflexive reaction that people have to learning about Non-monogamy at first. We are deeply conditioned to believe that all romantic relationships must be inherently monogamous. And that some how a romantic relationship which is not monogamous is less good. It’s not real, or not serious. If you were serious about someone, you’d want to be with them and them alone. And if you really loved someone you’d only ever want to be with them. The thing is, for a lot of people, that’s just not true. There are very few relationships that we expect to be completely monogamous, parents are not expected to only love one child, no one is expected to only have one friend. For some people monogamy in romantic relationships feels normal and natural, for others it is not.

The difference between Ethical non-monogamy (also called Polyamory or Open) and cheating is consent. In a polyamorous relationship all parties involved know what all other parties are doing, with whom they are doing it, and have given their express consent. When someone is cheating, their partner does not know what they are doing and has certainly not given their consent, leaving the cheated on partner to often feel taken advantage of. Many times a person who has been cheated on will say “It’s not the sex that bothers me, it’s the lying”. In Open/Poly relationships, there is no lying.

Humans have been non-monogamous for as long as humans have been monogamous. We have stories of Polygamy dating back to the earliest cultures. Modern polyamory is pretty far removed from polygamy as practiced in ancient mesopotamia, or by certain modern mormon fringe groups. The growing popularity of modern polyamory can be traced back to the sexual revolution of the 1960s. Swinging and “wife swapping” became a cultural phenomenon well into the 70s. The word Polyamorous wasn’t coined until the 1990s. Today, open relationships are becoming fairly common. Many dating sites have the option for stating how one feels about monogamy or for people in open relationships to express that upfront in their profiles.

The trick in polyamory is to be really good at communicating one’s feelings and intentions with their partners, and being able to accept and support the partners in their feelings and intentions. There is a lot of extra room for feelings to get hurt. They also have to trust their partners a great deal. Trusting that your partner will go out and date another person and that their love for you won’t be limited or damaged by that is a big leap of faith. It is not a good relationship structure for someone who suffers from low self esteem and fears their partner may leave them.

Every individual relationship in a polyamorous relationship network takes as much work and effort as any other romantic relationship. Meaning that if you are someone who does not relish the time and energy that goes into doing the tough work of a monogamous relationship, where in you and your partner talk about your feelings openly and honestly on a regular basis and work through your issues together, then you will probably not enjoy a polyamorous relationship in which one has many relationships needing care and time all at once.

If polyamory/ consensual non-monogamy sounds appealing, I recommend reading up on it. The book “The Ethical Slut” by Janet Hardy is an excellent primer and a great place to start. And has a number of excellent resources. I’ll put a link to the amazon.com page for the book at the end of the article.

It’s worth noting that the Ethical non-monogamy community is rather broad and has many terms unique to the community. I’m in no way an expert, and the different terms can mean different things to different people. It seems that ‘Polyamory’ implies a sort of network of relationships, where someone may be romantically involved with multiple people who are then in a relationship with each other which may or may not be romantic in nature. Sometimes these relationships are romantic, sometimes they are more like close friends or even familial in nature (though I haven’t heard of anyone being involved with people who are related). Some of these are closed systems, some are more open. Often, though not always, the goal is for all members of the relationship network to cohabitate together. Sometimes the networks can have a hierarchical structure, sometimes they do not. An ‘Open’ relationship seems to be more that partners have a primary relationship and date people outside of that; their primary partner and their outside interests do not have their own relationship. ‘Swinging’ seems to be reserved for couples who enjoy sex with other people outside of their primary relationship. Unlike polyamory or open relationships it seems to be primarily about sex and are limited to either parties, swingers clubs, or couples dates. It seems to be fairly common for couples who are into swinging to have other couples that they enjoy swapping with on a regular basis, but the arrangements seem to be more about sex than emotional or romantic bonds.

When getting involved in a polyamorous relationship it’s very important to be aware of your own feelings, needs, wants, and boundaries. What are you comfortable with your partner doing with others, what are you uncomfortable with but willing to accept, what are you unwilling to accept? Think about why. People in open and polyamorous relationships have to check in with each other often, set ground rules and abide by them. Trust and respect are crucial. You have to be able to trust that your partner will abide by the rules you’ve set up, even when the temptation might be there to not. Of course, monogamous partners have to do the same, but it’s a little bit different.

Another issue in all relationships is how do you handle rule breaking? It is inevitable that something will go wrong. Oversights will occur. Poor choices will be made. How will you and your partner deal with mistakes when they happen? Feelings are likely to be hurt. How will you heal them?

One of the things I found most interesting as I was reading up on this topic was the way that poly/ open relationship guides recommend dealing with jealousy. Jealousy is a perfectly natural feeling in any relationship, and as one might imagine it’s a common side effect of open/poly relationships. In The Ethical Slut, they talked about sitting with your jealousy and really experiencing it. It was a new notion to me, the idea of just really letting yourself feel a negative emotion. They asked what your jealousy was teaching you, was it coming from a place of insecurity? Were you worried that your partner would find the other person preferable to you? Or was it more that you didn’t trust your partner to behave themselves in accordance with the rules of your relationship? When ignored and suppressed, negative feelings like jealousy can fester and turn into resentment and hate. And no one wants that.

I am of the opinion that some people are more suited for monogamy than others. I am also of the opinion that lying to your partner about anything, especially sexual contact outside the relationship, is unacceptable. Going out and cheating on your partner then coming back and saying “Oops I think I’m polyamorous” is not okay.

Opening an existing monogamous relationship is a difficult prospect and should be done with the utmost care. Whole chapters in books about polyamory and open relationships are dedicated to the subject. Changing the foundational assumptions of a relationship midstream is difficult and honestly, really unfair. It’s completely unfair to expect a person who entered a relationship under a very basic set of rules to suddenly be expected to set aside those assumptions and do something entirely different, something which they may have never even heard of. But for some couples, the payoff is immense and well worth it. However, communication is the key to doing so. It is important to approach the conversation carefully and when the relationship is in a strong place. It’s a big change, and it’s generally not wise to make big changes to relationships when they’re in a crisis. There’s no real right way to do it. It’s not like there’s a magical formula that will make a previously monogamous partner suddenly decide that yes, non-monogamy sounds great. There are plenty of wrong ways to do it though. A quick search online will come up with plenty of horror stories of people who tried polyamory or opening an existing relationship and it brought all manner of problems into their lives. The partner that wants to bring up the topic needs to be extra cautious of the other partner’s feelings, they need to be exceptionally understanding and not in any rush. People take time to reevaluate their critical central understandings of their relationships. It’s not a thing a person can rush or force.

I would be a very bad sex-ed teacher if I didn’t mention the risks associated with having multiple sexual partners. Whatever transpires between consenting adults who are enjoying themselves is good, as long as safety precautions are being taken. When there are two people in a monogamous relationship the likelihood of transmission of STDs is relatively low, however once other sexual relationships are introduced to the mix, the chances of STD’s grows. Even if pregnancy is not a concern either due to biological sex, birth control, or other precautions, STD transmission can still occur. So please, protect yourself and your partners. Use a barrier method of protection to keep everyone safe.

Until next week, be safe. You are worth protecting.

-Erin

bottom of page