Let's Talk About: The Internet and Sex
The internet has changed since I was first introduced to it. We first got the internet when I was in high school, a slow, unpredictable dial up connection that had to get it’s own phone line at the house. Logging in during peak hours felt like hitting the lottery. I was warned repeatedly by my parents to stay out of chat rooms. Creeps and pedophiles lurked there, waiting to show up at my house and abduct me. It was with the same concern and seriousness that they had always told me to stay out of the cars of strangers.
Things have changed since then. Now we regularly use the internet to summon strangers to get into their cars. The internet still has dark recesses where the creepers and the pedophiles lurk. Some can use innocuous seeming means to victimize unsuspecting people in ways scarcely imagined by those of us who first ventured into the AOL chat rooms despite our parents warnings. The internet has changed the world. It has changed the way we manage money, the way we buy things. It has changed the way we do work, and it has changed the very fabric of our political system. Without Twitter, there is no President Trump. It has changed the way relationships work and how we interact with each other. Social networks and dating apps have brought people together who might never have met. It’s no longer strange or weird or shameful to have met someone online. We all meet people online. Lots of us, myself included, have friendships that have lasted years and sustained us through the worst times in our lives with people that we have never seen face to face.
I’m thankful to have grown up when I did. Young enough that my developmental years are not online for the world to see and find. I am thankful that everyone did not carry a video recorder with them at all times when I was a teen desperate for recognition, but that I was still young enough when I was introduced to the ways of the internet that I can speak the language and move from network to network with ease. By the time I started dating my now-husband the decision about whether or not to make the relationship “Facebook Official” was a big one, even though in those days Facebook was limited to people with a university email address.
The best thing about the internet is it’s ability to bring people together. There are message boards and facebook groups dedicated to all manner of interests. If you are a fan of a book series, television show, movie, you can find a group of people who are into the same thing. Sports, no matter how obscure, you can find others who share you passion. In this way, people meet new friends and new romantic interests.
People in marginalized groups have more visibility than ever before. People who have never met a trans person in their personal lives now know that transgendered people exist and can learn more about gender diversity without having to leave their home. There are cameras in everyone’s hands and police brutality in communities of color is being broadcast across the nation. The internet and social media have pulled back the curtain on some of the most hidden parts of society. And people are starting to speak up in ways they never have. Some will decry the growth of “P.C. Culture” and “political correctness”. The world changes, and with it so must our concepts of politeness. It’s not being “Politically correct” to call someone by their name or correct pronoun, it’s basic respect. Making racist or homophobic jokes isn’t okay anymore, partially because they’re just not funny. We’ve seen where the attitudes behind those jokes get us, and we’re not laughing. People who hate “political correctness” are mostly upset about having to respect people who once they were able to ignore and mock. Unfortunately for them, the world is changing, and now you have to respect everyone, not just people like you.
Websites exist that use complex algorithms to match your interests with another person, to maximize romantic interest. You can meet some one, talk for a while, research their past (seriously, always google before a date), and schedule a first date without ever having to actually utter a word out loud. There are websites for dating (OkCupid, Match.com, to name a few), websites for religious specific dating (ChrstianMingle, Jdate) and interest specific dating (FarmersOnly.com, SoulGeek.com). There are sites for quick hook ups (Tindr and Grindr). We live in a golden age of the kink, where anything that gets you going you can find online. Porn, message boards, even other people who might be interested in exploring the strange things that get you all hot and bothered, there’s someone out there who shares it. Fetish lifestyles have exploded as people from all over the world can connect and share thoughts and acceptance. You might be the only gay person in a remote town in Montana, but now you have an entire community waiting for you with the click of a button.
So it’s all great right? The internet has made us all more socially aware and well connected. We’re all romantically involved with people we’re profoundly well suited for and we all have huge support networks of understanding loving people spread out across the country and the globe. Yeah, no. Unfortunately, despite being very social animals, humans are not all nice to each other. For every bridge the internet builds there are trolls. Seething creatures that want nothing more than to upset people. Internet trolls are the lowest form of creature. They are generally people who find joy in the misery of others. Boring and unintelligent, when confronted with a new or uncomfortable idea their only response is to shit on whoever is presenting the idea. They’re the playground bully who picks on the smart kids. They will mock you, tease you, back you into a corner, and when they force an emotional response from you they will hold it up to the world as proof that nothing you have said is valid because you’re just another angry (Insert thing they dislike here). Does it sound like I’m speaking from personal experience? I am. Trolls come in all shapes and sizes. Trolls are the roadblocks that stand between intellegent people sharing ideas. They exist in every corner of the internet. And the best way to manage them is to ignore them. Block them. Report them if they’re nasty. Internet troll behavior extends into the real world. Every truck full of angry young men who shouts “Fag” as they ride by. Every aggressive cat call. It’s the same drive. It’s the same place of hate and small mindedness.
I wish that trolls were the worst danger on the internet. Unfortunately trolling can become deadly dangerous. They can become harassing,piling on so that every day is a non-stop stream of the most vile hate-filled vitriol, using newer and more devastating tools to ruin a target’s life. From Doxxing (publishing personal information on a public location) to hacking and identity theft. In terms of sex and relationships, when things get bad between people they can go horribly wrong. Some people may misrepresent themselves, a practice called “Catfishing”. Where you think you’re in a relationship with one sort of person then find out it’s with an entirely different sort of person. This can go horribly wrong, for one example I reccomend “Tall Hot Blonde” which is a documentary on Netflix on the subject. A quick google search can drum up instances of people maliciously catfishing people for the sole purpose of getting potentially damaging information or photos.
Which brings me to a touchy subject. Sexting and cyber sex. Sexting is sending sexually explicit text messages and or nude photographs. I’m not sure if people really use the term “cyber sex” or “cybering” any more. It usually refers to sexually explicit chat conversations that may or may not include pictures. I tell my middle and high school students not to do this, and I would recommend the same to anyone who is underage. Because if your sexts or pics show up on someone’s computer or cell phone and you’re underage, they can be charged for Child Pornography, even if you took and sent the pictures completely of your own free will. More importantly, nothing on the internet is ever forgotten. Any sex tape recorded with an internet enabled device, any dick pic or nude sent to a partner can show up again at a later date. Sometimes these things are shared by angry former partners, or the new significant others of former partners. Sometimes pictures can just, get out. They can be stolen. They can be shown to friends, or anyone else. Once you put something out there on the internet it’s out of your control. Forever. For adults the line can be less clear. If you’re of age and your partner is interested in receiving the text or picture, and you trust the person on the other end, and you’ve taken necessary precautions to make sure your data is secure, then go ahead. Some people enjoy the thrill of doing something potentially dangerous. But remember, the internet never forgets, and once you put it out there it is completely out of your control.
Which brings me to another quick issue in terms of sexting, and that is “Unsolicited Dick Pics”. I’m not entirely sure where the thought comes from that sending a person a picture of your genitalia with little to no warning, and certainly without asking, is going to improve your chances of sexual contact. But, how about don’t? If you have a penis, and you want to take a picture of it go right ahead. But please, don’t send that picture to someone unless they actually want to see it. Not if you think they might like to see it, or you think it’s cute or funny or whatever. Unless someone asks to see a picture of your penis, they don’t want to see a picture of your penis. If someone wants a picture of your penis, and you want to send them a picture of your penis, then everyone wins. If someone doesn’t want to see a picture of your penis and you send it to them then you are basically the creepy guy on the bus with his dick hanging out just hoping that someone notices and reacts. That’s a type of sexual assault. That is against the law. It’s also creepy, gross, and not going to get you anywhere near getting laid.
Remember, when it comes to the internet and sex:
Porn isn’t real. It’s a fiction, a fantasy. See my article about pornography and masterbation, linked at the end of this post.
Trust but verify. If you like some one, make sure that they are who they say they are before you share any identifiable or compromising information with them.
Cover Your Ass, if there’s a chance that something could go wrong, take the neccesary steps to mitigate it. Keep your personal information secret. Don’t say anything you wouldn’t be able to explain in court.
If you’re meeting someone from the internet for the first time, do it in a public place. Make sure that someone you trust knows where you are, who you’re with, and you’re keeping in contact with that person. Just in case.
Don’t forget about consent, the internet can be a place of fantasy and reduced inhibitions, but it doesn't mean that anything goes. If you’re not sure if you have consent, ask. Be clear about your own limits and boundaries.
Don’t be afraid to block and report anyone who makes you uncomfortable or threatens you. Most social networks and chat sites have a code of conduct, if they’re violating that, the administrators will want to know so they can remove them.
Until next week, be safe out there, and online.
You are worth protecting,
Erin
Article on Masturbation and Pornography on Femislay.com