Let's Talk About: Sex and Aging

[As people age,] the orgasmic response is less intense, and the ejaculatory response for men is less intense. Make the best of what you have. Don’t tell me it used to be like this. I know all that. Make the best of what you can do now. ... If you have a washing machine in your apartment, do that together and see if the vibrations of the laundry machine and dryer can do something for your sexual arousal.” — Dr. Ruth

There are a number of subjects that one does not talk about in “polite” company. Two of which are sex and aging. So let’s talk about both of them!

The thing about aging is that, for as long as you’re alive, it is inevitable. You can either die, or you can age. Which is why it strikes me as so strange that we, as a society, refuse to discuss the aging process with anything more than the constant stream of prescription drug commercials. There exists this concept that aging is some sort of weakness or failing. As if we expect to people in their 60s and 70s to eat and drink and fuck like 20 year olds. However, i have to give credit where credit is do to the few places out there where sexuality and aging are treated with any level of realism. The Netflix show Grace and Frankie does a great great job of show casing women in their 60s in a realistic way (well, realistic for Hollywood at least). They’re neither aging grannies with stooped spines and no sexuality at all, nor are they over-sexed cougars. Of course this says a lot about the way movies and TV teach women of a certain age. There are plenty of men in their 50s, 60s, and 70s in the media, but women? Actresses seem to be put out to pasture some time in their 40s, only to emerge decades later if they have the fortune to be a grand Dame such as Maggie Smith or Judi Dench.

So, accepting that people age, and accepting that people enjoy sex, how does one’s sex life change as one ages? And what (if anything) can be done to improve one’s sex life as they are aging?

Sexual health has more to do with your general health than it does with anything else. So start there. Even the most egregious erectile dysfunction drug commercials will say something like “consult with your doctor if you’re healthy enough for sexual activity”. Keeping your whole body healthy and active is a good way to help prevent against joint pain and muscle weakness, which can be a major problem in sexual health. However, it’s normal and natural that as a person ages their bodies just don’t move in the same ways they once did. One of the best ways to counteract this in the bedroom is with supports. Pillows and cushions can prop a person up, make different sexual positions more comfortable and help to avoid injury during sexual activity.

One of the first big issues with sexual health and aging is with hormones. As you get older your body produces less of the hormones that once fueled your insatiable youthful appetite for sexual contact. (It’s true that not everyone was completely voracious as a youth, but I would say it’s a fair characterization for a majority of people). This means that sex might just not be the priority it once was. This is okay, paying the mortgage and making sure their family is not falling apart may be more important than sex for a lot of people. Without the constant supply of hormones to keep everything ready to go, it can easily fall by the wayside. There is an unfair characterization that wanting sex less than you once did is somehow a bad thing. Like a man is less of a man somehow if they don’t have a constant boner all the time or a woman is a bad wife or girlfriend, or “frigid” if she’s not interested in sexual contact all the time. Not only does this enforce some really hurtful and inaccurate gender stereotypes, and completely disregard the existence of people outside the heteronormative cis paradigm, it is also NOT TRUE. A person’s personal interest in sexual contact does not have anything to do with their moral bearing or their worth as a human being. One more time: A person’s interest or disinterest in sexual contact does not have any bearing on their worth as a human being. Just as it is okay to love sex and want lots of it it’s also completely fine to not want sex. It’s fine, normal, healthy, and completely natural to have times in your life when you just don’t give a fuck about fucking. And anyone who says differently is trying to sell you something.

The only time it is a real problem is when there is a disconnect between committed partners. When one partner wants sex a lot more than the other. When this happens the key to overcoming it is honest, open communication. Sometimes seeking the advice of a relationship counselor or sex therapist is a necessary step. There is absolutely no shame in looking for professional help in dealing with relationship issues. Sometimes having a third party present who is not invested in either person’s wants is the key to finding a workable solution. I would like to warn against seeking advice about sexual function from clergy members of religious groups that are not sex-positive. Many religious groups that are not Sex-positive have a deep misunderstanding of how human sexuality works and seek to keep it shrouded in shame and mystery. This is maybe not the best path to open and honest communication about one’s sexual needs and wants.

When sexual desire does come up (pun intended) there can be a whole host of issues that crop up as one ages that your basic sex education does not prepare you for. A lack of blood circulation can cause a number of issues, such as cold hands, cold feet, and erectile dysfunction. Luckily for penis having individuals there is a little blue pill (and a whole host of other brands and versions) that can help solve this problem. Of course a penis-having individual still needs to get a prescription for this from a doctor because there can be some other health issues (such as heart and circulation problems) that erectile dysfunction medicine can exacerbate.

Sex should never be painful. Unfortunately for vagina having individuals there are a host of issues that can occur throughout one’s life that can cause painful sex. One of the most common is vaginal dryness. As people age their mucous membranes just don’t produce as much fluid as they once did, mouths get dryer and so do vaginas. The first line of defense is the good ol’ trusty lube. I recommend lube for anyone having sex with a vagina having individual, regardless of their age. There are a whole host of different brands and varieties out there to choose from. Personally I recommend a water based lube, both because it is safer for use with condoms and because it seems to be safer for sensitive skin. When asking yourself how much lube to use, the answer is almost always “more”. Put it on your external genitalia, put some inside, slather any body parts or toys that are to be inserted with it. Keep it at hand for reapplication. A word of caution: Flavored lubes are fantastic for oral sex, but not great for vaginal sex. Flavored lubes tend to have sugars in them, to give them flavor, but those sugars when introduced to the vaginal flora can cause all sorts of problems, yeast infections, UTIs, and Bacterial Vaginosis. It’s no fun. So keep the flavored lubes on your vulva and save the unflavored for your vagina.

There are a number of hormone creams that doctors can prescribe to help with a number of the issues associated with dryness, and many women find them to be quite helpful. They can help increase vaginal discharge as well as sexual arousal. (Not quite like female viagra, but they do help). These are often the first line of medical treatment for a number of issues that can occur for vagina having individuals. If sex is painful, or something just doesn’t feel right “down there” please go see your gynecologist. Problems such as pelvic organ prolapse have a lot more treatment options when treated early than they do when they’ve been allowed to continue for an extended period of time. Prolapse is when the internal organs, such as the bladder, vagina, or rectum begin to sag and sometimes even become external. Painful sexual intercourse is often one of the first symptoms of these conditions and should be taken seriously. If your doctor doesn’t take your symptoms seriously, or has really crappy advice “If it hurts to have sex then maybe you’re too old to have sex” for example, get another doctor. There are health reasons that may cause a person to suspend sexual activity but “Being old” is just not one of them.

One major issue that has begun to arise with sexual health and aging is STD protection. The combination of older men having access to viagra and post menopausal women has lead to an increasingly large number of seniors acquiring and spreading STDs. In the last decade it has become a major problem in retirement communities where many of the residents were of a generation where pregnancy was the only reason to wear a condom. Add to that the fact that women outnumber men which often leads to men having multiple partners, the fact that many older people are using online dating and therefor don’t know their partners well, and many doctors specializing in senior care don’t even think to test for STDs when treating patients. Since 2007 the rate of Chlamydia infections for people over 65 increased by 31%, for syphilis there has been a 52% increase. As if that wasn’t bad enough, in 2013 people over the age of 50 (the oldest demographic set that was recorded) accounted for 27% of new HIV cases. This is incredibly alarming. Many older adults never got the education they need to be able to recognize STDs early, and don’t know how to prevent them. Unfortunately caregivers are often willfully unaware of older people’s sexual activity, meaning that no one is keeping an eye open for risky sexual behaviors, and early warning signs. Older people need the same education about STD prevention and detection that young people do. Unfortunately for some adults, this can mean that they’re responsible for having the “safe sex” conversation with their children, and their parents. To them I say “Good Luck”. I haven’t found any great resources for having the safer sex talk with one’s older relatives, but if I do I will update this article with them. I’ve attached an article from the Huffington Post from 2016 about the rise of STDs in retirement communities that has even more information in it.

Despite the realities of aging bodies which can put a crimp on one’s sex life, there are major benefits to having sex as an “older” person. The most obvious advantage is experience, it’s just a simple fact that a person in their sixties has probably had more sex than a person in their 20s, not that it’s a competition. But they probably know what they’re doing. Also it seems to me that at some point in a person’s life, maybe after parenting, or maybe once certain career goals have been settled, or maybe just one magical day people just begin to accept themselves and stop giving a crap about what other people think about them. Maybe part “I’m too old for that shit” and part “Well if I haven’t changed by now, I never will”. Confidence and self understanding are absolutely key in having a healthy and fulfilling sex life.

Until next week, stay safe out there,

Erin Zeddies

Huff Post article from April 2016 about the rise of STDs in retirement communities

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/derrick-y-mcdaniel/sex-and-seniors-stds-a-ne_b_9619778.html