Let's Talk About: Sexual Diversity
Diverse Beautiful World of Sex
This is my fourth article with Femislay.com and now would be a really good time for me to acknowledge some of my privilege. I am a white, cis-gender, non-disabled woman, married to a man, living in an urban center, with full-time employment, a great education behind me, and access to opportunities some people only dream of. I am doing my best to be aware of how all of these things make me privileged and to acknowledge that there are things in the world I will never understand and that sometimes the best thing I can do is shut up and listen when people with other experiences are talking. And that’s the tricky thing about writing about diversity from a position of privilege, to know when to use my voice and position to speak, and to know when to shut up and listen. As a sex educator, it is my duty to talk about what I know and understand and to be as inclusive as possible, and to sometimes be really obvious about it. Like today.
So, this is a huge topic, and I’ll be delving into it at different times from different angles. But for today let’s talk about 3 big questions: What is Sex? What does LGBTQ+ mean? How do people with disabilities have sex?
Entire books are written about these topics, and I apologize for not being able to cover them in their entirety or in as much depth as I would like to.
What is Sex?
It shouldn’t come as a shock that most people will have sex at some point in their lives. I hesitate to say “all people will have sex” because Asexual people exist and there are other circumstances which disallow sexual contact. We can safely say that it’s about 99% of the population*. Given that there are around 7 Billion people on the planet, that’s a lot of different people having sex with eachother. And it really shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that sex between different people might look different.
So let’s define sex. I’m a sex educator, I talk about sex a lot. I write about sex a lot. We humans think about sex a lot. So… what is it?
Well… that’s a bit complicated. You see many straight, non-disabled people define sex very simply “Its when you put a penis in a vagina”. Which is in fact one very common way of having sex. But it’s not the only way. Sex is not limited to heterosexual vaginal intercourse. Gay men have sex, and most of the time there will be no vaginas involved. Lesbians can have sex, and there are also usually no penises involved. People with various physical differences in which penises and vaginas are either not present or function differently can also have sex.
So, what is “Sex”? There’s oral sex and anal sex to consider. Oral sex is generally define is the stimulation of one’s partner’s genitals with one’s mouth. Anal sex is usually the insertion of some object, be it a penis, finger, or sex toy, into one’s rectum for the purpose of sexual pleasure.
And that’s sort of the point right? Pleasure. I mean, people also have sex to make babies but I am willing to go out on a limb and say most people engaging in sexual activity aren't’ doing it purely to procreate. They’re also doing it because it feels good.
So, let’s say then that: sex is the act of engaging in sexual pleasure with a partner (or partners) which involves some level of bodily and genital contact.
What Does LGBTQ+ Stand for?
From what I have found on the internet the full long form acronym is something akin to: LGBTQQIP2SAA. Which may seem a bit unruly, it’s certainly one of the longest acronyms Ive dealt with, but for an inclusive symbol for such a wide and diverse group, it’s no surprise. For the sake of expediency when referring to the community I have been using LGBTQ+ as a shorthand of the acronym.
L- Lesbian- Women who are sexually attracted to Women
G- Gay- Usually refers to Men who are sexually attracted to Men, but sometimes non-men will use it as an inclusive term too.
B- Bisexual- Men and women who are attracted to both people of their same gender and people of another gender. Bisexuals are not “greedy” or “going through a phase”. Some people like men and women. And the level of Bi-phobia in both the LGBTQ+ community and the general world is really terrible. So support our Bi-sexual brothers and sisters and don’t be a jerk.
T- Trans*- Transgender and Transexual. Transgender is someone whose biological sex is different from their gender expression. Transexual is some one who changes their biological sex to align more closely with how they present to the world. There’s a lot of overlap and interplay in these words.
Q- Queer- An umbrella term used to refer to anyone in the community. However, can also be a very hurtful term used by bigots and bullies to shame and demean people, so if you don’t identify as “queer” be really careful in using it.
Q- Questioning- Another term for people who maybe aren’t sure where they fit in the broad spectrum of gender and sexuality, and that's okay.
I- Intersex- Someone who either has two sets of genitalia of whose genitals are ambiguous.
P- Pansexual- Someone of any gender who is attracted to people of any gender. There’s a lot of overlap between Pansexual and Bisexual. Some people identify as both and use the terms interchangeably. Some people say that Bisexual people are attracted only to men and women and pansexual people are attracted to Men, Women, and people of other gender who don’t fit on the binary.
2S- Two Spirit- A term from the indigenous North American people to describe someone who possess both a male and female spirit. Often equated with being Trans, but not exactly the same.
A- Asexual- “Ace”. Asexual is someone who has no interest in sex. Asexual is a normal healthy way to be as a human and there’s nothing wrong with someone who’s Asexual. Also, Asexual is not necessarily the same as Aromantic, some people who aren’t interested in sex are interested in love, though not everyone is.
A- Allies- People who are not members of the community but support and love the community and do everything in their power to help the community thrive. I.E. What we should all try to be. I’m not sure about adding Allies into the list. There’s some debate about whether or not to add them. I think that being an Ally means not requiring people in the community to make space for you, but rather making space for them in the larger world.
Although it’s not on the list I’d like to give a shout out to Demisexuals, which is another way of being a sexual human. Demisexuals become sexually attracted to other humans only after they have established an emotional connection with them. Some Demisexuals are attracted to their same gender, some are attracted to other genders.
How do people with Disabilities have sex?
The main issue in referring to “People with disabilities” is that it’s such a broad term and that different disabilities can have any number of different impacts on an individual’s sexuality. Everyone who has had sex with more than one partner has probably discovered that different people enjoy different things. The same is true for people with disabilities. If you have a partner with some form of disability, how do you find out what they like or what their limitations are? The same way you do with a person without disabilities, Ask. If you are a person with disabilities how do you find out what you like? This is the same advice I give to people without disabilities: Experiment. Masturbate. Try engaging different senses. Scented candles. Massage. Soft textured blankets or lingerie. Just because one aspect of a person’s sexuality may be impaired does not mean that they don’t enjoy a whole host of other erotic activities.
There are an infinite number of ways to give and receive pleasure. By expanding our own concepts of what sex is, and accepting that all humans can engage in sexual pleasure (as long as they are of age and consenting) it then becomes easier to not only accept each other in all our glorious differences but also accept ourselves and what we enjoy.
With Love,
Erin *Source:Queerty.com. Visited 1/11/17 https://www.queerty.com/exactly-what-percentage-of-the-worlds-population-is-asexual-20150727
Originally posted on Femislay.com