Let's Talk About: Masturbation and Porn

This week I’m going to talk about two taboo topics. It seems weird to me that they’re so deeply taboo because they are two of the most universally experienced sexual behaviors in human beings. They’re things we’ve been doing for as long as humans have been around, and our pre-human ancestors probably did it too. I’m talking about Masturbation and Pornography.

Let’s start where most people’s sexual life starts, with masturbation. When I refer to masturbation I mean strictly performed alone. Once you involve other partners you have issues of safety and consent as with any other form of sex. Masturbation doesn’t have to result in orgasm, but merely touching one’s self for the purposes of pleasure. There are very few things that I am comfortable stating “Everybody does it”, however, when it comes to masturbating, everybody does it. Masturbation is the safest form of sexual expression. Consent isn’t an issue. There’s no risk of pregnancy and very little risk of infection (clean your hands and sex toys!) It’s relaxing and a natural mood enhancer. Another benefit to masturbation is that it helps you to know your own body. In previous articles I talked about how important it is to communicate with your partner, to discuss your likes and dislikes. What feels good and what doesn’t. How are you supposed to tell your partner what you like if you don’t know? The only real risk of masturbation is if it begins to interfere with your daily responsibilities. Remember, with all things, there is a time and a place. And as long as you’re masturbating in an appropriate location at an appropriate time, you’re in the clear.

There are some people who disagree with my very pro-masturbation stance. They are usually the sort of people who wish for all sexual pleasure to be relegated strictly to procreation. There’s a mindset that says masturbation is dirty and wrong and you should feel shame about it. Here’s the thing: Those people masturbate too. People have been trying to limit other people’s sexual pleasure for as far back as we have records, and probably farther back. And the thing is, it never really worked. It doesn’t work now, it didn’t work then. So instead of stopping people from masturbating this mind set just makes people feel really really bad about engaging in the safest form of sexual pleasure there is. I don’t get it. What good can possibly come from making other people feel bad about something so harmless and universal? You might as well make females feel shame about menstruation… oh...wait….

Moving on. There’s something else that I’m comfortable saying basically all humans like, and that is looking at other humans naked. The entire history of art, from all over the world, is littered with images of people in various stages of undress, including people engaged with each other. If you don’t believe me check out some of the links at the end of this article (many are NSFW because, you know, history of porn).The line between “Art” and “Pornography” is a very fuzzy one. And it’s more complicated then I have time, or inclination to get into. There’s another link at the end of this article to an amazingly well thought out piece by the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy.

That’s not to say that everyone enjoys or partakes in porn, but it is a widely used sexual outlet and one that demands some real conversation.

It can be incredibly hard to have a conversation about the real problematic side of porn. Unfortunately it can come off as being a bit judgemental and regressive. I don’t want to make it sound like I think watching or creating pornography are somehow wrong or dirty. However, I’m not as completely on board with porn as I am with masturbation. I don’t believe that there’s anything inherently wrong with watching other people have sex, as long as everyone involved is of age, consenting, and not being manipulated or taken advantage of. And as long as the people consuming the porn are aware that real sex doesn’t actually look very much like most modern pornography.

The pornography industry is a huge one. Lots of people are making lots of money. It’s also one that’s been forced to exist too often in the shadows by laws that prohibit certain aspects of the porn industry, making it very easy for people to exploit other people.

A lot of people I’ve spoken with about this say that they actually prefer amateur porn, because it seems less exploitative. Which may or may not be true. The world of amateur porn is even murkier than professional. Even if everyone in the video is happy to be involved and happy to be video taped it doesn’t mean that everyone involved is on board with having their video posted on the internet or shared. Or that the people involved are being properly compensated for their performance.

However, it is possible to find ethical porn, where everyone involved is being taken well care of and no one is being hurt or used. I recommend anyone who consumes pornography to read the article by GQ that I have linked at the end of this column. It’s clearly written for Cis Men, but it has really good tips for making sure that the porn you consume is supporting good labor practices and employing well educated professionals.

Another good place to start is with Erotica and Erotic art. The written word can be incredibly sexy and tantalizing. Websites like Literotica and FanFiction.net specialize in erotic writing. If it’s words on a page it can be anything the writer wants it to be. No consent or STD testing required. Erotic art is another great place to seek out your erotic fix. By erotic art I mean art that was created by an artist with art supplies or digital imagin, less so with photography because once you are actually looking at another human you have issues of consent, age, and exploitation.

My other concern about porn is that it’s often entirely removed from real people sex. Porn is not a good example of what real sex looks like. Most people don’t look like porn stars. Even most porn stars don’t really look like porn stars (Most movies have a lighting and makeup crew for a reason).

So, as I’ve stated before, I teach sex education to middle and high school students. My students are rarely quiet, give young people a safe environment to talk about sexuality and they will. However, when we bring up porn the room goes silent. Especially my middle schoolers. It’s because they’ve experienced it. By the time my students reach 7th grade (about 12 or 13 years old) they’ve seen porn, often by accident. Even though they would never admit it to me, many have probably sought it out, pre-teen curiosity being what it is. Any child with access to an internet connection is going to see porn. What bothers me about this isn’t just that it’s wildly age- inappropriate, but that for many young people pornography is their only exposure to sex. They don’t have the luxury of talking about what a healthy and reasonable sexual relationship looks like. Many young people, and many adults, have never had anyone explain to them that porn is not reality. That is not how the vast majority of adults have sex.

My solution to the problem of “People get really wrong ideas about sex from porn” is not to get rid of porn, or make people feel bad for watching it. As with so many problems with our society’s treatment of sexuality my prescription is more sexual education. More real talk. More accurate factual information being presented in a sex-positive, caring, non-judgemental way.

In discussing sex, and especially taboo subjects like masturbation and porn I find that I run up against a lot of push back. It feels strange to talk about these things openly and publicly. But it’s important to talk about the things that make us uncomfortable. The thing is, we really don’t need to be uncomfortable talking about these things. Masturbation is one of the most universal sexual practices on the planet, as is the curiosity about and desire to watch other people have sex. And as long as everyone involved is of age, consenting, and enjoying themselves then where’s the cause for shame?

Next week I’ll be delving into some deeper issues surrounding sexuality and cultural expectations as we discuss Virginity!

Article/ Slide Show by Bustle on the history of Porn around the world (NSFW) https://www.bustle.com/articles/70200-the-history-of-porn-and-erotic-art-art-around-the-world-from-peruvian-sex-pots-to

Stanford Encyclopedia’s article about Erotic Art vs. Porn

https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/erotic-art/

GQ’s article about Ethical Porn

http://www.gq.com/story/how-to-watch-porn-ethically

Originally Posted on Femislay.com