Let's Talk About: Infertility, Miscarriage, and Infant Loss.
When it comes to sex, almost everything is taboo. Usually because of some overblown sense of propriety. This week’s topic however is taboo for another reason, because of the pain associated with it. A deep flaw in our sex and reproduction education is that no one ever sits people down and says “Someday you may want to be a parent and for 10% of you that’s going to be incredibly difficult, sometimes impossible. At some point 1 in 4 of you women will experience the pain of miscarriage or infant loss”. So when it happens it comes as a shock. It can also come as a shock to the people around those dealing with infertility and loss. It’s important to remember that although these pains might be unfamiliar to you, they are deeply felt, very real, and all too common. Keeping these topics taboo only increases their pain. We need to talk about infertility and loss and we need to know how to speak to a person who is struggling with them without being a total asshole.
Let’s start with infertility. Last week we discussed how pregnancy can happen between a penis having person and a uterus having person and some tips for how to optimize their chances of conceiving. But what about when it doesn’t work? Or what if the couple hoping to conceive a child aren’t of opposite sexes? What then?
Thanks to the wonders of modern science there are lots of treatments out there, from pharmaceutical treatments to treat hormonal imbalances and encourage fertility to artificial insemination to In-Vitro Fertilization. There are a whole world of options out there for a couple looking to conceive, and it can be more than a little bit scary and intimidating. Many of these treatments are prohibitively expensive and because many are classified as elective they’re often not covered by medical insurance, which means that people often have to pay out of pocket. Some people have religious or personal values that might prevent them from exploring one or more options,and there are a whole host of side effects that might make undergoing any treatment plan impossible. I’ll be discussing some of these options in further detail in a later article.
It’s a commonly held myth that most infertility issues tend to be with the female reproductive system, but that’s not true. Males have infertility problems too. Male factor infertility is responsible for about 20% of infertility cases and a contributing factor in another 30-40%.
It can feel like a complicated alphabet soup of acronyms and incomprehensible pharmaceutical terms. People enduring this struggle should not be thought of as unfortunate or broken but rather as intrepid explorers, chasing a dream that many people take for granted. They are no less a parent because they were not able to conceive a child in the usual way, but extraordinary for their dedication. It’s important to know that infertility can be an emotionally difficult thing to deal with, it can make people feel like they’re broken, or missing something. It can strain relationships and marriages. Remember this if you are interacting with someone who is dealing with infertility. In other words, respect what they’re going through and don’t butt in with your own thoughts on the matter. If someone wants your opinion on their reproductive choices, they’ll ask for it. If you are dealing with infertility or know someone who is I recommend the website Resolve.Org for more information and support.
Not every pregnancy ends in a healthy baby, even the most wanted and yearned for pregnancies can end in sadness. The statistics on miscarriage can be hard to suss out. I’ve seen it reported that 1 in 4 women will experience miscarriage or infant loss in her life, I’ve also seen it reported that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I’m not sure which of those numbers is accurate, I suppose it could be both. Nonetheless, miscarriage and infant loss are much more common than people seem to realize.
In 2010 I had a miscarriage. When it happened what shocked me the most was that I felt like I was joining some sort of secret society. I was shocked to find out that every female member of my family had had at least one miscarriage, some had multiple. As I spoke about it more other women I knew told me about their losses as well. There was a strange revealing that happened, as women shared their pain with me. What I learned is that for many of us although we learn to live with what happened, and for some we move on and it’s not a constant pain, there’s always a part of us that remembers. There’s a meme floating around facebook that says if you ask any woman who’s had a loss how old her child would be she’ll be able to tell you immediately. Six years old.
I lump infant loss in with miscarriage because the line between the two can be a bit blurry in some instances and much of the data collected places them together. However, infant loss can be it’s own special type of hell for families. My experience has been through the eyes of others. I’m grateful to never have experienced it myself. The pain of the loss of a child is one that words can’t quite touch. It’s as real and as devastating as any loss a person can suffer. And like miscarriage, it’s more common than you think, especially in communities of color. I’ve linked to an article by The Nation that discusses the outrageously high rates of infant loss in black communities and some of the underlying causes for it. I recommend the article highly.
Let’s go over some commonly said things to people dealing with infertility and loss and why they’re actually particularly terrible things to say. Not everyone will be hurt by every one of these, but a lot of people will be hurt, and I hope that you would not want to hurt someone who is already dealing with a difficult situation.
A lot of the reasons I mention here can be applied to anyone dealing with a difficult situation. It can boil down to two major points:
1- Don’t be rude.
2- It’s not always about you.
So, bearing those two principles in mind, here are some all-too-common terrible things people say:
“When are you having Children?”
None of your business. Look, unless you are actively a part of the baby-making process this does not concern you. Whatever rationalization you might have for why this is an ok question to ask, it’s really not. It’s rude.
“Just relax it’ll happen!” or “Have you tried getting drunk it always worked for me!”
I’ve heard this said to people dealing with infertility more than I care to reflect on. Hopefully people are aware that alcohol consumption does not actually increase one’s fertility.
“Your baby is with God now” or “Your baby was just too precious for this earth”
These are shallow attempts at comfort. These are the kind of things people say as filler when they can’t stand to see someone who’s sad. The thing is, that isn't the problem. The problem is that my baby isn’t here. Telling me that my baby isn’t here isn’t going to make it better.
“Want one of mine?”
Unless you’re serious, this just looks like bragging about or rubbing your own fertility in a person’s face. Even if that wasn’t the intention. It’s rude.
“Maybe it’s not meant to be” or “May motherhood isn’t in God’s plan for you”.
I’m not really sure why people think this is helpful. I get that people don’t say this sort of thing to be hurtful but really? Blaming it on fate or God is a shitty way of telling someone to just get over it.
“I would never do all that!”
If what you’re trying to say is “I really admire the dedication that you have and respect it” then say that. If what you’re trying to say is “I really think you’re being ridiculous with all this work you’re putting into this” then you’re being rude. If someone tells you they’re struggling to achieve a goal it’s not your job to tell them not to.
“You should just adopt, people always get pregnant after they adopt”
Three things are wrong about this: 1- There is no data to suggest that couples are actually more likely to conceive after adoption (like seriously, how would that work?) 2- Doesn’t the idea of adopting a child just for the purpose of conceiving your own child seem really selfish and unfair to the child? 3- Adoption is also really difficult. It’s not like getting a dog from the shelter, you can't just go to the orphanage and pick one. There’s a whole different world to navigate to adopt, you’ve got to want it.
“Lots of people miscarry, it’s not a big deal”
Minimizing another person’s pain is not helpful, not kind, and extremely rude. If someone is hurting, telling them it’s not a big deal is rude. Instead offer them support and let them know they’re not alone without minimizing their experiences.
“You’re lucky you weren’t farther along”
Minimizing again. If you know someone who had an early miscarriage, don’t try to make them feel better by telling them that it could be worse. Just because someone else is dealing with a worse situation doesn’t mean this situation isn’t complete shit. It’s like saying that I can’t be happy today because I didn’t win the lottery and wouldn’t that have been better? It doesn’t make sense.
“What did you do?” or “What’s wrong with you?”
Fuck. You.
Instead of saying these cliche and potentially hurtful things, try saying “I’m sorry that happened to you” or “Is there anything I can do to help?” Sometimes the best thing you can say to someone is nothing at all. Be with them. Share your experiences if they’re relevant. Let them know they’re not alone and that they’re loved and supported.
To anyone who’s dealing with Infertility, Miscarriage or Infant Loss right now, please know that you’re not alone. What you’re going through sucks. It’s terrible and unfair and you shouldn’t ever have to experience it, and yet here you are. And you’re making it through, every day. I think that’s amazing and beautiful. You’re so strong. Please hang on.
With Love,
Erin
University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health- Male Factor Infertility: http://www.urology.wisc.edu/specialties/male-factor-infertility-and-sexual-health/male-factor-infertility/
Resolve.org for further information on infertility: http://resolve.org/
The Nation: What’s Killing America’s Black Infants: https://www.thenation.com/article/whats-killing-americas-black-infants/
Originally posted on Femislay.com