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Let's Talk About: Consent


The Two C Words

Consent and Communication are the two most important things you can have in any relationship. More often than not when someone has a traumatic or negative experience with sex or with a relationship it’s due to a lack of consent or communication, or both. I want to give it the proper gravity and importance that it deserves, but I don’t want to scare anyone off. Consent and communication can be a fun, sexy part of any encounter. And consent is not just sexy, or nice, or good. It is necessary. Because there is no such thing as non-consensual sex, that is called rape.

As I write about consent I run up against so many problems. A rape culture that is so pervasive that a real honest conversation about sexual consent comes across as preachy and judgmental. As if the need for consent means that it’s impossible to have spontaneous, adventurous sex. A definition of rape that is amorphous and changes based on who you ask. The legal definition that I found is: “The crime of rape generally refers to non-consensual sexual intercourse that is committed by physical force, threat of injury, or other duress.”* But that is by no means a comprehensive definition and you may find different definitions in different states, areas, or with different lawyers and judges.

In order to truly consensual the consent given must be: Informed, Sober, Freely Given, and Ongoing.

Informed: Some one can consent to one thing, but that doesn’t mean they consent to something else. In order to be truly consensual all parties must know what they’re going in for. If you want to change what you’re doing, ask. Watch for cues.

Sober: Drunk consent is not consent. I’ll say it again. Drunk consent IS NOT CONSENT. A person who is too intoxicated to say no, to make important decisions is not able to fully consent. As soon as you add alcohol into any sexual encounter it becomes complicated. On top of the inability to really appreciate what one is consenting to, being impaired during sex often leads to other unsafe behaviors, such as not using condoms.

Freely Given: Coercing a person into having sex is not consent. If you have to “wear down” someone until they finally give in, that’s not real consent. And honestly, do you really want to fuck some one who doesn’t want you any way?

Ongoing: During any sexual encounter you might feel that you want to stop. Your partner might want to stop. Or you might consent earlier in the evening and change your mind later. These are all completely okay. Make sure that any consent you’re getting is continual, if your partner seems hesitant or like they’ve changed their mind, stop. Talk to them, see if there’s something they need or if they just need to wait a moment. I promise that taking the time to pay attention to what your partner needs will yield far better sex.

A quick note about underage sex:

I’m assuming that my audience for this column are all adults, as in over the age of 18. There is no consent when sex happens between a minor and an adult. It is never the child’s fault. Ever.

If you are an adult and you have sexual contact with a minor that’s called rape and you belong in jail. Even if you *think* the underage person wanted it, you’re still a rapist and you still belong in jail. End of story.

The realm of underage sex between two minors can be tricky, legally speaking, and the laws governing age of consent vary greatly from one state to another. If you’re interested I encourage you to research the laws in your own state.

So how does one obtain this Informed, Sober, Freely Given and Ongoing consent?

Communication!

If you’re not willing to discuss sex with someone, you shouldn’t be having sex with them.

And communication is such a huge topic that books upon books are written about it. Go to any library or bookstore in the relationship section and you will find shelves of books claiming to have the secret to great communication between you and your partner, or you and your family, or you and your co workers, boss, friends, everyone.

I am far from a communications expert. I’m no Nyota Uhura. But I can tell you what I know.

  • It is almost always better to talk about it. You might want to clam up and hide, but that’s not going to help anything. Your partner is not a psychic. They do not know what’s going on in your head and something that seems totally obvious to you may not be obvious to them.

  • Keeping secrets always makes things worse. Once it comes out, and it always comes out, the deception is often the worst part.

  • Being honest with other people starts with being honest with yourself. Take time to really examine how you think and feel about things before diving into a conversation about them.

  • Keep your head on straight. I speak from personal experience when I say that I understand how hard it is to not jump to the worst possible conclusion during a conversation, especially with a romantic partner. But keeping it together is really important so that your partner feels free to be honest with you

  • Learn about positive communication strategies. Things like “I feel” statements and unboxing might feel really weird and artificial at first, but they are incredibly useful tools for improving communication.

  • When expressing yourself, use the most exact language you can. Don’t short cut a conversation or try to talk around something. Say what you mean. Exactly what you mean. And then make sure that your partner understood.

  • When your partner is expressing themselves listen. Don’t worry about what you’re going to say in response, just try to understand what they’re saying. Repeat back what they said in your own words to make sure you really understood.

Honestly, that’s about it. Good communication can be hard. Real honesty can feel really vulnerable and scary. It takes a lot of bravery to overcome the fear of rejection or hurt that can come along with it. Not to mention the weird societal taboos that we have against relationship communication. There’s a strange idea out there that women want to talk about their feelings all the time and men are somehow weak or less of a man if they are willing to give in. I guess because feelings are supposed to be a girl thing? I don’t really know. Everyone has emotions, and thoughts, and wants, and needs. Everyone can benefit from learning to express themselves in a healthy way. I have observed that the vast majority of relationship problems can be traced back to a lack of communication, and that by learning to communicate well you can have healthy, sexually fulfilling, really wonderful relationships.

With Love

Erin

* Found on http://criminal.findlaw.com/criminal-charges/rape.html visited 1/5/17, Also I’m not a lawyer, if you have a question about the laws about rape please find a lawyer to consult.

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